"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow"

This "cliche" quote happens to make increible sense today. I feel like I've been trying so hard to figure things out, I've been creating expectations inside my mind, I've been planning an solution and immediate result and game plan. Now, I sit here and realize that all the thinking and planning is useless, things will happen or not, it will be or it won't, you'll get there if it's meant to be, if not then you'll stay where you are or go somewhere else. I keep asking questions that I know only time will answer, I obssess about why things happened and I know that in the end, I'm only hurting myself, I need to let it go, I need to summerge myself in the moment, to learn from the laughter and the pain from yesterday, to live joylessly each moment that I grasp right now and to not lose my endless hunger and inspiration for a magical tomorrow, those three things are what I will focus on, that's what I want.

thoughts inside my head:

Someday it will all make sense.

What you dont find within, you wont find without.

Let it go.

Let the chips fall where they may.

One day at a time.

One step before the next.

Get better.

Don't wait around.

Stop expecting.

Stop the self guilt and self doubt.

Live your life.

I'm the heart with no name, air brushed on the license plate of a subaru that was registered in pennsylvania.

"Pero todo en este mundo es temporal, lo eres tu y lo soy yo"

"Everything in this world is temporarely, you and I included"

Tough week, my car ac broke, really annoying. I still dont know what's wrong really, i'm gonna have it checked tomorrow, i've been kinda pissed off, ry and i have been arguing a lot lately, we just rub each other the wrong way, but i dont want it to get out of control, i know that sometimes i get on bitch mode and i cant seem to get out of it, so we kinda made up with a hug, which is good.
i'm still letting time do its thing, it seems like a million years have passed in the last two weeks, too many events happening in front of my eyes. i'm still trying to make better choices, to understand that although life is short, there's always a wya to not end up in a hole, i just feel so jaded. i want something real, and as time passes by, i think that it doesnt exist, or maybe it doesnt exist for me. i understand why they wont talk to me, why the distance is needed but the silence between us is uncomfortable and hurtful, i just hope that in time, we could find ourselves in a better place, one where we could put the ugly behind and stick to being friends, to hanging out and having fun like once upon a time.

I really have a lot of balls, I mean...I'm soooo lucky in so many ways. I have a healthy, beautiful and outrageous daughter, I have a good relationship/friendship with her dad, I get along with his family very very well, I was able to find a good job (in this economy) fairly quickly, I have Vilma that aside her age and spontaneous A.C issues, she's still riding us around. I spend more money than I should on stupid things really, which I have to change because I need to start saving up and taking care of some debt too. I guess, there's no reason for me to really complain, I mean...yea, I have emotional issues and all my friends seem to have lost their minds or whatever, I really don't know who I can count with right now but I know that I have God and the angels and I know that all my needs will be taken care of, I just need to trust and to let go of negative thoughts, I need to trust my gut and think about all the wonderful things I have, I'm strong enough to see that there's always sunshine out there, there's sunshine in me and that's what's important.

Balance.

My mother in law has a couple of card decks, each of them is different, she has one for the goddesses, another one for angels, etc. Last time, I needed guidance, Abbey was playing with the Goddesses one and I asked her to pick a card, the card it was the Goddess, Athena and it said to trust your gut, which helped me so much because that's what I needed to hear. Yesterday, Abbey was playing with the Angels deck, and again I asked her to pick a card for me, she picked Balance, it basically said to learn to balance my life between work, family, myself and fun. Which is funny again, because that's exactly what I'm trying to achieve, all week last week I stayed home, meditated, relaxed, etc. On the weekend, I went out and played, spent time with my little girl, who's the most awesome person in my world, she makes everything brighter. So, little by little I'm moving on, I miss my friends, I still got some unfinished issues inside my mind, I'm learning to control my wild side to a point, honestly it'll be silly to think that I will change the wild woman inside me completely and I dont want to lose her, she's awesome, lol but I think is important to learn to balance myself between the pillars that divide my life, I need a new book, I also want to work on a new portrait, something creative. The silence of my house at night sometimes drives me crazy, I was so used to having distractions, I need to get used to being at ease with myself when the silence is all I have, to handle my thoughts better because I usually start over thinking things and wondering things I shouldn't be questioning. "Todo a su tiempo" which means, "all has a timing" and right now if I try to rush thru this then nothing will be accomplished, I just need to focus on the present, the chips will fall where they may.

me, myself and solitude.

I haven't gone out all week, I've been pretty much going from work to home, cooking and playing with Abbey, Ry has gone out all week. I started a journal at home and read about medidating, also decided I'm going to learn how to play the harmonica, I'm spending a lot more time by myself now, practicing some much needed solitude. I've learned so much about my nature lately, the wild woman inside me, how I must not tame her yet learn to use only her qualities instead of the negatives. Some things aren't going to change, but some are a must. I haven't drank either, I plan on buying some soothing caffeine free tea for night times, I'm taking a break. I'm not going to become a loner either, I love being social and that's why tonight I'm going out for a while but with all the events that have recently happened, I think the best thing to do is to dissapear, which I have done to an extend. Work is keeping me busy and so is being at home, I still have a lot of bickering inside my head, a lot of questions that I know will go unanswer for a long time. I know that whatever's meant to happen will happen. I am simply creating a ying yang balance of loudness and silence within my life. There's no point on getting anxious, or living with an eternal "what if" inside my head, it is what it is and this is just another lesson, in the school of life.

byebye summer time

and with summer so many things end too, it was fun...it was crazy and maybe a little painful, i've learned and continue to learn. I'm practicing solitude now, I partied my way into almost insanity and I need to have some time alone, aside from that, all those who partied with me have gone their own way, which is good I guess, a change of pace. Now, fall is here...the leaves are falling off the trees, the weather is getting colder and I'm also getting rid of a lot of baggage, I'm setting goals and learning to do new things with my time. Everyone needs some time on their own, and all alone...I feel like my world got too crowded, too loud, leaving me a little crazy. I'm on my way to a healthier place, I said good bye to some people, to certain behaviour, I'm still me, just quieter and more focus, I need that silence right now. My world stopped spinning, and is a good thing...I was about to fall and I caught myself just in time, to enjoy this new and soothing season with a new vision in mind.

Welcome Autumn.

Crossroads.

One bad decision could lead to a another, if feels like I've been making bad decisions for almost a year, blame it on my wild nature, or on me getting my emotions do what they want with me, but things are so fucking messed up right now. After thinking it over and almost losing my mind, I know what I must do. I need to be left the fuck alone, I need to forget about men, about hooking up, about using people to get over people, over situations, I need to practice solitude and spend some time alone, single, unattached, for real. I need to live healthier, mentally and physically, I need to go back to nature, to distract myself with hobbies, apparently I have done enough to dig a huge hole and didnt even know about it until I was burried under so much bullshit. Instead of unloading my emotional baggage, I've added to it and it's so heavy right now, that i cant barely breath. I don't know what's ahead, I feel kinda lonely considering that I am stepping back and leaving things behind. I need time to clear my head, I need time to focus, to heal...I need to heal. I feel like I've been limping, I've been flying with broken wings and I finally got to a point when I cant pretend anymore, I need to take a break and really heal, to unload all the crap inside me that's causing stress, insecurities, pain. I need to do this by myself, instead of being such a pussy about it and depend on things to "forget about" things, I know better now...it doesnt work that way. I claim to be a bad ass, well solitude is bad ass, doing things by myself and for myself takes balls and that's what i need, not to use someone to get someone else out of my head but to actually grow the balls to walk away and do it by myself. I know it's gonna be hard to break the pattern I've been following but one step at a time is what matters, I need to find myself and only in the silence I will be able to heal and listen to my heart, is too damn noisy already. I will focus on positive, self fullfilling things, focus on my daughter, on work, on art, on good friends that i have no emotional baggage with, I will make better choices, this is my crossroads, once i'm done, i'll be able to walk with a firmer step, be a better version of me, I'm sooo ready for this. Bring it on.

dont cry because is over, smile because it happened.

some things ignite fast...leaving you breathless...

some things take forever to fly but stay forever in the sky...

some things are never meant to happen and it remains the same...

other things are meant to end no matter how hard you try...

my heart shifted and it didnt feel the same anymore...

the chapter ended, but I learned...I laughed and now, I smile because it happened.

I chose, to stay.

Wow, talk about being tested, me…the one who always runs away from complications and rather quit than fight, I was about to let go today…about to say “the hell with it” but I didn’t, I looked into his eyes and chose to believe, chose to stay. I jumped off the fucking plane without a parachute and I see the ground beneath me, trusting nothing but his words and my instinct and hoping not to come crashing down. I never thought I could do this, to risk my heart like this, to defend this against all doubts, to face things and keep going, I’m not backing down and I know there’s a lot coming this way, I could see the weather ahead and it ain’t pretty. I’m trying to play the cards the best way I can, this wasn’t supposed to be like this, this simply happened. He could be totally lying to me, I could be a total idiot right now and he could be messing with me, but I think I rather see it for myself and if he is, then lesson learned but at least I could say that I didn’t run away, this time I will be stronger for going thru it without letting fear take control, life is life and this is just that, life and I’m ready to take it by the horns and rock it.

"May the bridges I burn light the way"

My body temperature has returned to its normal state, everything was tested including myself. The emotions were vivid and strange, nothing and everything was said in its own way and now I have within me silence. I'm nervous, like when you are on a roller coaster and it slowly creeps to the highest rail right before it descends rapidly, my heart was beating so hard inside my chest I thought my coworkers would hear it. There's something peculiar about this though, I'm not running away. As scared as I was, I dealt with it.
I'm sticking to my guns, I've burned bridges, I've tried to be honest, I am following my heart, I am discovering courage inside me I didnt think existed. Aside of everything, we are still here, holding on, the first storm has passed and shook me off the ground but I'm back on my feet now, a little scared but fear won't paralyze me this time, because I am armed with intuition and courage, may my heart lead the way.

time out.

I need time. I need silence and gentle thoughts. I need time alone to collect my thoughts, everything has happened so fast, anything that I thought I knew changed and I find myself in a weird unfamiliar world, as beautiful as it is, is still scary and sometimes, too intense.
I dont know what I want, I want peace and noise, I want truth and romance, I want passion and love, I want danger and care, I want to be in a relationship and I want freedom, I want it all. I know that all, I cannot get. I already have so much on my plate, I need to calm down because there's a lot of things I don't understand and others I simply wish not to acknowledge.

a gun underneath our pillow, a candle illuminating the room

noise.
passion.
fear.
rebellion.
emotions.
him.
me.
LOVE.

not backing down.

I know how much I'm worth, I know that if someone hurts me they should at least try to make things better, is the least they can do, to see such uninterest in his part to fix this, makes my heart ache and pisses me off behond believe, what does he expect? that i'm gonna do the work for him? that he could act like a total insensitive asshole and i'm gonna smile and take it. NO, it might cause me pain but i'm not backing down, it'll hurt yea but i'm not gonna look for him and make this easy on him, maybe he doesnt have experience handling a situation like this but if he cares he'll figure it out and as of now, he's not caring at all. Maybe, I was wrong about all this, maybe he didn't feel for me what I thought he did, maybe this is when the dust settles, at last. He's not the first guy I got to get over and he won't be the last, in the end there's only gonna be me and this is me, doing what I think is right, he's so unpredictable that i got no idea what's gonna happen, i wish he would show me that he cares, but i'm done having expectations, i'm just gonna let him fix this or let it die.

cant be tame.

So, I changed my hair again...is straight now, the curls or semi curls got on my nerves...
I'm lacking sleep, as always...I've been waking up a lot throughout the night, weird dreams and tiredness.
I'm 27 years old and still wear blue nail polish, I feel like I'll probably wear funky nail polish until I die, I'd be an El Camino driving, domino playing, funky nail color granny. Hell to the yes.
A lot of things don't make sense, still. I feel like the smoke hasn't cleared and this is just the in between stage, I feel stupid sometimes others I feel totally blissful. I am yet to get control over my emotions, I am still learning to accept and let go, I feel like the older you get the more you should be able to control yourself yet I lack so much control and I still feel as wild as when I was younger. I feel a strange and comfortable silence today, something I'm familiar with by now, I don't really know how to explain what I'm doing, all my life has seem divided, I've been so many different people, I've seen so many things and I've learned to live this doble life in a way that I can't explain. I let myself get carried away with feelings, with the rush of the moment, I crash and burn and then I dust myself off and take flight, not even i can tame me.

just a quiet monday

There's silence within me today, maybe is my exhaustion or maybe is just one of those quiet mondays, when you are still trying to register all the events of the weekend, which in my case happen to be many. I know that I can't play with people's hearts, can't bring them in and kick them out whenever I want and I learned that this weekend, I learned to stick to my guns, to take responsability for my actions, to think better before taking a decision that might end up making me crazy, to let go of fear and focus. I got to think, I got to understand a little bit of what I want. I got to experience the lack of fireflies in my life and it sucked so much, I knew that there's nothing I could do to change things, this is the balance of life but I also know where my happiness is, and I must fight for it. I must find a balance between fighting for what I want and taking it easy so I wont go crazy. I know that we discovered a lot of things and understood a lot also, now we must go on and keep on learning, keep on feeling, no more questions, no more worries with others...just this.

let it be.

i know that there's a lot to think about, i know that it's not all about me, that my wings are semi clipped and that in order to do what i want, i have to wait it out and try to find the best way to do it.
there's a lot of glittery dust around me right now, i'm on cloud 9 and i'm loving it, but i know that once the dust settles, i will have to think about what's gonna happen and i know that things will change, that i and others around me might have to adapt to those changes, but i wont settle..i wont sit there and rot in mediocrity, i want to be happy and in order to do that, i must follow my heart to where it takes me, i just can't be selfish and not think about others, but i cant let myself dry out in order to protect others, is my life after all, i will try to do what i can to make the best out of this, i have a strange and comforting feeling that it all will work out the way is supposed to, is just too soon right now to try to figure it, in time...the truth and the path will reveal itself, i just have to let it be.

Lacking sleep and some brain cells but DAMN I'm having fun!!

I feel light inside my chest, like if it's illuminated with power...therefore fireflies. This is one of the most intense ones yet, this weekend was amazing, there's no way to describe it, it just was. It was simple and crazy and passionate and beautiful. I don't want to over think it, it's so me to over analize things but this I dont want to run from, I dont want to ruin this one, I just want more, I want to feel it and ride it til whenever, no deadlines...no fear.

**fireflies**

I'm spinning...

on cloud 9...

I'm laughing...

I'm out of my mind.

I'm falling...all the way down.

It came out of nowhere and changed everything around.

the future is uncertain and so is this ride...

but I'm loving every minute, I'm seeing fireflies.

Ear it by play

At this point, I'm trying to understand what's going on. I'm very confused about some things and I'm very sure of others, I am at ease with myself because I feel like I'm following my heart and I'm trying my best. You never know where life might take you, there's adventure, there's love, there's heartbreak, there's laughter and there's sadness and you go thru it all without having a say in it. The best thing you can do is try to remain afloat, build yourself up, be safe, be hopeful and ear it by play.

Final chapter, can't wait for "the end"

In between crossroads and so called friends.

Dusty words and broken shapes...

I watch slowly as the story ends.

The rain washes off the spirits in my heart, the ghosts the day, the clouds turning gray.

Smoke and shattered glass, some things aren't meant to last.

Ashes floating on the infinite sea...

some things aren't meant to be.

sailin'

Once again I've set sail, I've risked and I'm risking, I'm going all in. Why? Not sure, sometimes I wonder if I just get caught up in the noise, in the moment, in the passion of my feelings. I honestly don't know, once the craziness stops I seem to find myself lost within my own mind but then again, what I feel is so strong that it pulls me forward. I was born to do this, to feel the rush, to sail thru different seas, to get into things and then get over them...this is me, following my heart, going with the flow of the gentle waves that pull me into the sea.

Give me your disaster and I'll create a masterpiece.

Things have taken such a turn, it's a whole different game plan. I was taken by total surprise, between the daily bullshit I've been dealing with to crazy and fun distractions that came from out of nowhere, all in all I'm coping. I try not to stress it, I try to go with the flow knowing that things will happen and it'll take its course, I dont put expectations out there, I simply hope for the best and try to keep it real. I know that everything else that's happening, is happening for a reason. No point on wondering, stressing, worrying, that stuff will kill you. I can't help but to go with it, enjoy this new sky and fly.

"Just when I thought I was out... they pull me back in."

You can't force things, you can't unforce them either. What's meant to happen will happen and there's nothing you can do to stop it. You can sit there and ponder, worry, stress it, or whatever but that won't stop life from happening and things to evolve, develope or end. I can't sit here and pretend that I'm not who I am, can't tame my own nature, can't sabotage my state of mind. I'm simply trying my best to play the cards right, to follow my instints, to create a master piece with the shadows and darkness of my own mind.

Let it be, things fall apart, you gotta learn how to trust and know it'll work out.

let's play pretend.

What I like the most about being a mom is the fact that all my silliness and childhood energy comes back from time to time, it reminds me of life before the bullshit, before things got complicated. I could sit down with Abbey and talk about silly things, and lose myself in the moment with her. Is kinda what Angelina Jolie said recently "At some point, I got closed off, darker. I don't remember anything happening. I think you just get hit with the realities of certain things in life, think too much, start to realize the world isn't as you wished it would be, so you deepen. Then, as I had kids and got older -- being goofy, lighter -- it all came back"
So, Monday's here again and the weekend was so fun, got to dress up like pirates saturday and board a ship for a wedding, got to dance and watch drunk people fall off stages friday night, got to spend some alone time which is good also and got to basically spend time with Abbey and take care of things. Isn't life a big pretend game? We pretend things don't bother us, we pretend they do, we pretend is okay, we pretend is not, sometimes it's crucial that we do this in order to move on, I'm not one to wear masks or put up fronts, but sometimes is necessary in order to go on with yourself, with your life, with the timing of things. I'm doing good, in the process and playing with it the best way I can.

The art of letting go

What can I say that I haven't said before? I feel like I've seen myself in this spot too many times, it's like a fucked up deja vu, like time can't move forward because I keep going back. I feel so confident and sure at times and then, something happens, a little spark grows in me and I fall back again, relapse. I think is time to recover, I wish I could go away for a month and go to a monk monastery and learn to be silent, and learn to see, learn to listen and to grow out of this. I can't afford to do that and I wouldn't want to leave my little girl anyway but maybe there's some sorta therapy I could do. Maybe I could start meditating, making more art or portraits, distract myself by dancing, less booze, less bullshit. Maybe I could start reading on the art of letting go, letting go of a situation and put it aside, I need to stop dragging this, it's done. It's funny how people seem to think I won't be able to do it, to tell you the truth, I'm a little skeptical myself but a day at a time is my plan and this time, I really don't want to go back to square one again. I want to leave the situation, let it leave me. Gone.

I think it's time to get off the emotional roller coaster

It's been fun, it's been hectic, it's been wild, it's been risky...it's been an experience, but I think my body, my mind and my heart is ready to sit this one down. It's hard to get off, it was great at times, the fullest happiness but then in the end, the fun always ended and it turned to darkness, leaving me confused and dizzy. Something feels off, it's not fun anymore, it feels more like work than anything else. This time is for sure, I cried and held my heart in my hand (dramatic huh) like I did long time ago, when I had to let go and get off my first crazy roller coaster and it hurt but in the end it worked out better for all parties. I know that it's time to get off, I know that this ride is over and that it's better to do it now, before the whole thing falls apart, before I get kicked out, I rather walk out and call it a night.

Today, my shoes and eyelids seem heavier than usual.

I gotta say, I'm pretty damn proud of myself. I've taken initiative and took care of the IRS debt (for now) and also took care of my medical bills by applying to different programs and finally getting accepted, aside from that I've gotten off my ass and started walking again at nights which makes me feel so awesome. I have also gotten the hang of waking up earlier and leaving dinner ready every morning in order to have more free time and less stress when I get home and to top it off, I've dedicated some time to my hobbies and painted the other weekend with Abbey which was refreshing and I've taken some portraits as well and want to take a lot more. Yesterday was father's day and we got a chilling day, the whole weekend was full of random fun and coziness, I love Abbey every day more, every minute I learn another reason to feel blessed to have her in my life. Needless to say, so much fun equals to tired monday, but I'm happy.
Somehow things fall apart and come together again, somehow the cycle of time keeps its funny course and I've managed to follow the funky beat of the every day life. I give myself props today because I'm usually a pretty hard bitch on myself so, here's to me :)

Trust and Freedom

Childhood: ignorance was bliss, we didn't know how life worked and we trusted that everything will be provided, as adults we should try to conserve that trust and freedom we once had.
I thought about this today before I got to work, I know it was way to early to be phylosophizing but I couldnt help it. I was thinking about Abbey, about all the upcoming events she will be attending in summer camp at school, she has field trips and such, which makes me super happy and at the same time a little worried because well, because I always worry about her well being. Either way, it'll be selfish of me to not let her experience that fun just because I can't be there. It made me think of how peaceful her life is, she doesn't worry about what she's going to eat or wear, she just knows it's going to be provided for her. She has the most comfortable trust in life and that, I want. I know that as adults we must make decisions, we must pay bills, etc but there has to be a way to try and preserve that freedom we once had as children. Life will be so much easier for us, if we could figure out a way to really trust and let go.
I worry about the future at times, enough to paralize me...I wonder how things are going to work out? I wonder what will happen when Ry and I split, or when Abbey gets older, or when the car dies on me? I wonder sooo many things, and I worry because everything seems so complicated. What's funny though, is that my vision of these things is so short, I could only see as far as my nose goes and worrying doesn't really help so, when I start chocking on my own doubts, I shake it off and tell myself that it will provided because I know it will. The only thing I could actually do, is pray that things happen in the right time, that I will have enough strenght to endure what's next, enough hope to stay afloat and to follow my instints instead of my doubts, as far as the present goes, I'm gonna do my best...everything happens for a reason even the broken hearts are no accident.

I like to write while it rains...

The rain is coming, I can't see it yet but I know it's coming...God and the Universe brought our car back to us, Vilma was found Thursday afternoon, they took the radio, spoiler and messed up the ignition but thankfully nothing else was taken, they actually left us a couple of things like jumping cables and stuff, we had to turn the car on and off with a screw driver the first couple of days but Carlos totally hooked me up and yesterday I went over there and he fixed the ignition that was completely broken and also fixed the holes that were left on the trunk. So, all in all, I'm so thankful that Vilma's home, she's my old pal and I know that I gotta start thinking of another car because she's on her way to retirement. So, aside from that pretty cool weekend, a mix of good times with friends and play times with Abbey, one thing I wanna do is start walking again, I feel really good with my weight but walking at night was really good for me, not just physically but mentally, I'll have time to think and reflect which I need to do so, I know that by the time I put Abbey to bed I'm dead tired, but still, I think that other people are able to pull it off and I should be able to as well, so starting tonight I'll walk myself to sanity again.

Have you seen Vilma?!!

My car, my pontiac grand prix aka Vilma was taken from our parking lot at home last night between the hours of 2:00 am and 7:00 am. I dont see why, yea she's supercharged but she's an old girl, she has been such a good car and the thought of losing her forever hurts and scares me. We need transportation dammit, we don't live in a city where taxis and buses are always accessable, we have a little girl, there was a fucking carseat in the car and these people didn't give a shit. I'm soooo wanting Karma to start kicking some ass in this situation because it pisses me off how fucked up people can actually be. I'm scared because the odds are against us, although I believe that they might actually find her but I dont know in what conditions, I'm hopeful that we could get her back or that we might be able to get some money and get a car, it's thursday and Ry's dad took us to work and Abbey to school and I know that Peanuts will help us out tomorrow if we still haven't heard anything but this uncertanty is so frustruating, all we can do is wait and hope for the best. I know that things happen for a reason, God knows our situation and knows that a car is needed not just wanted, so I'm trusting Life in this one and I'm hoping that the universe will once again proof to me, how it always provides.

All on Me.

I got a gray cloud over my head, it's pouring thoughts. I'm not going to talk it out, I'm going to WRITE it out. I feel like there's no one really here. The family I got, is not really mine, it Ry's and the moment I decide to split...then they will remain Ry's and Abbey's but not really mine. I'm having a hard time trying to adjust to Ry having this social life that I am no part of what so ever. Maybe I'm over reacting but I feel like the social life he decides to be in eventually will be around Abbey and that's what freaks me out. I mean, it doesnt necessarily mean it'll be like that, I know that my social life has at times NOTHING to do with my child but I try to associate with people who bring something good and positive to me because I don't want anything to affect Abbey. Here I go again trying to shelter, to protect her from...life. What the hell am I gonna do when she's a teenager and doesnt give a fuck what I say? I need to build character, I need to start letting go and understand that she is not MY child, the universe and God gave her to me so, I can try to teach her, guide her, raise her but in the end, she's part of the universe and there's nothing I can do to hold her back from her own destiny, from her own life. I trust that God has allowed Ryan to be her dad for a reason, because he will do his best to protect her, because he will do his best to surround himself with positive influence so, that she can also have part of that positivity. Point is, it's all on me and I need to better myself and so many ways, work on my character, work on my finances, work on my brutal attitude that sometimes shoots out of me like a samurai sword because it's all on me...family will go, love might fade, happy endings arent guarantee, friends find their own life, I got Abbey, I got myself, I got the guidance of God, the strenght of the trees, the spirit of the wind, I got intuition and I got my experiences to guide me and that's truly all I really need.

the real happily ever after

truth is, there IS no ONE happily ever after...you can be happy, pursue it, achieve it, lose it, re-find it, obtain it, let it go. Thing is, stop expecting it to look a certain way, stop waiting for prince charming, stop trying to control how the story should go, sometimes you get to achieve everything...sometimes things just make perfect sense but other times, life has a different plan for you and that's when you should look around and make the best out of things. Sometimes, you just have to get used to the flow of life in order to understand, even the closer things to you have a plan and a life of their own, can't control...can't expect. Then, all of a sudden you realize that happily ever after is so simple once you let go of everything else, that you can accept yourself, accept your life without giving up on your dreams, that you can see thru the darkness of each day with a smile and understand that life is not going to stop, life won't wait for you...it's happening everywhere and the story is being written, by not just you but by everything around you.

Swirls of Life

The long weekend is gone and here I am again, a huge window in front of me...I like the fact that in this job I get to constantly see the sky, see the wind moving the trees, see everything that's going on somewhere else other than my desk. I cleaned, rested, played, spent time with my little girl who keeps surprising me every day with how damn cool she is. All in all, I had a blast...didnt really stay up late but still enjoyed my time and did what I needed to do. My wedding ring broke last week, stopped wearing it..I'm pretty much neutral about it, doesnt really bother me. I kinda gave up on wearing jewelry, I stopped wearing earrings for some reason and last night I decided to organize my earrings and I found a ring, a silver, long ring with swirls, I remember exactly where it came from, I know how I got it and where I was and how life was back in those days, so many things have changed...so many things have stayed the same yet looking at it there's only one thing I think about, life is a bunch of swirls, there's no pattern, there's no telling on what will happen, you just gotta enjoy the waves and trust in the harmony of it's movement. A certain message disrupted me in a good way, although there's nothing I can really do, but I'm still here, quietly and patiently trusting in life, flowing with the swirls of life.

walking towards happiness

What is it that I want? It seems to me that I might have a problem. I know it sounds funny but I think I do, I still feel jealous of something that it doesnt exist anymore, I miss something that can't be and it makes me feel so weak and lost. I expect and if my expectations aren't met, I dont know if to be happy or sad. All in all, there's only one thing I want, to be happy and not just me but I want Abbey to be safe and happy, it hurts me to think that Ry and I might split for good one day, because I know that Abbey is used to us living together etc, but I know that we both deserve to be happy, truly happy not just content. Life's too short to sit on a comfort zone and although changes hurt, I know that life is all about changes and chances and I'm not going to miss out on a good chance of being happy, I know that Ryan deserves the same. I just trust that this change will be only for the good of everyone, that time will help us get used to this new pattern and that it'll happen on the right time, so everything could fall into place. Just like it happened when I had to change jobs, I was terrified on the thought of changing daycares, changing routines, etc and then when it happened, it was done and everything worked out. I know that it was meant to be because of how smoothly things went. I am willing to wait, to try and make sure this change happens in the right time and for the right reasons, I don't want to do it for a man or because I'm lonely, I want to do it because it's my path to happiness, and I know that God has my back and will make life and the transition easy on me and my little girl. I just want her to be protected, safe and happy. I know that life is life and is crappy at times, and sometimes sheltering kids causes more harm than good but as a mom you can't blame me for trying to keep her from the bullshit that lives out there. I just pray for guidance, for patience, for peace of mind, for intuition because I will need all of these and more qualities to walk the long path ahead.

my stairway lies on the whispering wind...

The more I let things be, the less I stress about the crappy things that involves living, I realize how everything falls into place. It's true, you let go and the chips fall where they may and they fall exactly where they're supposed to be. Life makes sense, we are the ones who complicate it.
I got debt, and insecurities and wonder a lot about how everything will play out, but in the end I'm learning to just trust life, to trust god and fate and let everything flow. I'm learning to make things happen, to take the lead, to follow my instints and to believe, you gotta BELIEVE in order to give life that magic, that power to turn crappy things into forever enjoyable gold. In the end, is in the small things...that we find true wonders.

sober.

It's been two weeks since it ended, since I felt my heart shift and I decided to stop eating shit and forget it. It wasn't done how I wanted it, but it had to be done like that I guess, to make it final. Either way, I feel like an addict, counting the weeks I've been sober. I guess, it is like a drug...you do go thru withdrawals, your mind stops spinning...your heart stops racing and it all feels different until you eventually learn to live without that feeling. I'm still learning, I gotta admit it is getting better. I understand that in time, everything gets easier. I also understand that time doesnt give a shit if you're not ready for it, shit happens and it's gonna happen to you no matter what, so might as well face it and sober up.

"Once upon a time I made a paper plane out of my heart and let it fly...

some people say they sometimes see it, soaring at night..."

on the wrong side of the fucking bed

Blame it on the cold I suddenly got or on the only medicine I had for it which happens to be for night time or on the fact that is Monday or on the daily annoyances like having to work, getting up, etc but I'm pissed off today. I'm mad that I owe money to the IRS that's not even my fault, I'm mad that Abbey still cries whenever I drop her off in daycare. I'm mad that I have to answer the fucking phone and take down messages I'm too weak or high on meds to write down. I'm pissed that I keep expecting and keep getting dissapointed. I'm mad that nothing seems to last. All in all, not in a good mood for various reasons and I'm trying to think about the good, like the fact that Abbey is lovely and aside from her crazy attitude she's wonderful or think about the great mother's day I had but sometimes life just makes you angry and I hold the right to be pissed off.

questions.

Did you forget about me now? About the dim lights and sleepless nights. Did you forget the rush we felt every time we met up by the lake? I know that wasn't fake. Did you erase from your mind the scent of my hair and the way I would whisper in your ear words only you can hear?
Is it easier on you now? Now that I'm not around, now that your day lacks my voice waking you up at random times. Is it better for you? Better to not miss me and forget? Better to think of me and regret?
Is this better now? The distance, time slipping away like a sand clock into an ocean of silence. Did you let go already? Was it easy to watch me walk away? Is it easy to know I'm not there, or is it hard still? How does it feel?
Do you hate me now? Hate every moment because it reminds you that I'm no longer around? Do you feel down, when the party dies and there's no one around? Are you ready to move on with your life? Go on, say good bye...don't doubt, don't look back. Put away the book, the chapters, the sections...no more talking, the end, no more questions.

weekend recap.

I jumped over the fire on Saturday night at the Beltane celebration and I thought of all the things that I need to let go of, somehow life has managed to piss me off enough to get certain things out of my head. It's funny how anger helps you, it gives you strenght, it gives you wings to let go. Aside from that, I feel like I'm putting a lot of thought and energy in unimportant things. I have caught myself thinking and wishing for useless fantasies that I know in the end it won't really help. I really need to hurry the fuck up and take my theme photographs, my portraits ideas are overlapping inside my head and it's beginning to hurt. Friday night, Ry and I actually hung out and watched a movie and it was great, I enjoy his company. Obviously it's not like it used to be but it's still good and for that, I'm thankful. Saturday night I spend some time with the witches and then with Paulo, I'm still not sure about him, like I said, he's on probation. I feel like the main reason why he acted the way he did in the past is because he had such a negative energy around him, that and alcohol is not a good combo, but now he's really pleasant to hang out with and I'm being careful but I'm opening my friendship to him to see if he deserves it, everyone deserves a second chance sometimes. Abbey is wonderful, we gave her a little celebration party since she started in the 3 year old class today, she JUST turned 2.5 last week but I guess she needs to be in a class where there's more mental stimulation and I'm SOOOO proud, we all are. So, we threw her a little party, and we jammed out which I love to do, aside from things changing and evolving, jamming with Ry's family will always be one of my favorite things to do. So, aside from moving watching, cleaning, and beer drinking with my peeps, good weekend over all. There's some things I need to work on every day, there's still a lot to let go of and on Sunday while I cleaned I let myself cry, because that's the ultimate way to let things go sometimes and there's nothing wrong about that as long as you feel it in your heart that everything will turn out right, and I do feel it.

Acceptance

I read today that the faster you accept it, the faster you get over it. I feel like this is so crucial because there's nothing we can do about certain situations, we can't change how life is, but mind power is the key. If you accept and embrace the problem/issue then it will stop bothering us. It's so simple yet so difficult, because we want things to work out NOW, we want to have it ALL and we sometimes cant accept that we can't always get what we want and that sometimes, you just gotta let it go. This applies to everything, that boy you desperately want, that job you are seeking, the body you are killing yourself to have, etc. It's all about giving it your all but at some point you must realize that if it's not happening then you need to accept it and move on. By moving on, I mean...continue to live your life not just live it but enjoy it. To try to find the power within yourself to pull yourself together and rise up every day trusting that destiny has your back and that God is there taking care of everything.
So, now that I've philosophied I gotta say that waking up early to cook it's definitely a better choice then to have to get off work, pick up Abbey and rush thru everything, it was just too stressful. I know that soon it'll be hot as hell and Ry coming home in the skateboard it's only a temp solution so, I had to step up. It feels pretty good to know that once I get home I dont have to do anything but heat up the food and that's it. I put my mp3 on and I cook and finish before 7:30 am which makes me feel pretty fucking awesome, I guess I am a grown up now, cooking early and having mommy duty but it's fun, it's challenging, why be on the safe side? Challenges give you so much self assurance once you have surpass them, so I'm here, let's do it.

Lightswitch

Back and forward, one day I feel like I got this, I got it all under control. My will power is strong and steady, I could do this. Then, one night I lose it, I forget about the steps I've moved forward and I burn it all down because I'm weak, and alcohol doesnt help at all when you're trying to forbid certain thoughts and omit feeligs. So, yea one action, one stupid act of weakness and I chopped it all down to the ground again. Now, is time to start climbing the fucking mountain again. I totally lost sight, call it loneliness or whatever there's no point on dwelling on it. I can't take it back, but I could start over so, once again LIGHTSWITCH and this time, it'll stay off. By this I mean, that my emotions, my thoughts and everything else that I need to control and put away MUST be OFF and by off I mean, no acting/feeling/thinking/ of this, it's done...put away. OVER. I know that the only realistic way of doing this is day by day, every night the lightswitch stays off is one more day accounted for, is one more day to feel stronger, and that will only lead to more and more days like that so, this is what I must do, for how long? I dont know, only life knows but for now, I'm not even worried about that, for now...all I must do is keep it off and move on.

re-starting blogging.

So it's been a while. Everything has changed, some things remain the same. Like the uncertainty, like the things that are still left unresolved, like the unexplainable stillness that lies within me aside from the shitstorm that I've faced. I got laid off, was able to find a job within a month, thank God and the universe for that. Had to change Abbey from daycares, shes getting used to it now. Turned 27 years old, spent wonderful times with an old friend. Learned from life, learned that doing the wrong thing all the time doesnt lead to anything fulfilling even if your heart is in the right place. I've learned to let go, I've learned from misleading thoughts and mistakes. I'm learning from Abbey, learning to have patience and to take it day by day. She's doing wonderful, making me laugh, pissing me off and all the stuff in between. All in all, although a part of me is hurting from the way life works sometimes, for time not being right, once again. I know that this is how it's meant to be and it's best to flow with it than to try to fight it. Some things are better, some things are workable, some things you just have to accept that only time could make right and when you realize that, it's like finally being able to breath the fresh air of freedom. Recent events have proven to me that I'm not alone, that no matter what life and the awesome people around will take care of me and my daughter. Soooo, I'm restarting my blogging because I need it, because I've missed it and because yes, I blog dammit :)

healing time.

I need to learn how to control my emotions a little more, the last week of the month it's always such a rollercoaster. I never believed in "hormonal mood swings" until I had Abbey and my hormones got totally out of control now, every last week of the month it's a drag. I feel bummed out and little things bother me and easily depress me. What the fuck? I know that there's so much for me to be thankful for. I guess it is real, and now I need to come up with ways to beat it and have a normal month without feeling bipolar. So, out of the top of my head I'm gonna focus on the things are happy about. Like my job, like having a mother in law who is loving and willing to watch Abbey the days daycare isnt open, like a husband who is a great dad, like having a healthy and happy little girl who's awesome, like my health somewhat. I guess it's a human thing, to always find defects in the things you've got but it's so useless to spend so much energy focusing on those things. I feel like being part of nature more, to touch trees, smell more flowers, experiencing being part of what we are meant to be part us, we are all connected to these things and I think being closer to mother nature will nurture and heal our souls. I need to heal, probably of self inflected wounds, big time. Let it begin, better late than never.

*tears*

I've been hearing and reading about the Haiti disaster all week, but today I actually cried. I felt the pain, the tragedy, the overwhelming emotion you feel when you try to imagine another person's suffering. It's so hard to try to explain why things like this happen. Is it to be thankful for what you have? Is it to finally get together are human beings? Is it to change us a little bit and make us realize how fragile life is and how in one second, everything could change? I write this with tears in my eyes because I believe there is no explanation, really. I don't blame mother nature, or God or fate or the devil. I'm not going to sit here and point fingers and try to understand it. I've seen the pictures, the heartbreaking faces and the complete mess left behind. In some way we all suffer tragedies every day, we are all fighting a battle and it takes a small gesture to make someone's life a little better. It takes courage, understanding, sympathy, intelligence, integrity to look behond the bullshit and think about other people other than yourself. Maybe this is a wake up call for us all, to look around...to be thankful, to help others, to smile more and complain less, to stop being such a bitch, to donate, to be kind to annoying neighbors, to be a better person. I hope this tragedy will leave more than pain behind, perhaps make a change in us, perhaps leave behind a valuable lesson among the tears.

R.IP all of those who passed away this week, everywhere.

TWENTYTEN-A New Perspective

Happy New Year, a little late but whatever. This new year marks the end of a decade, which I'm still getting used to when I write today's date. It also means that 10 years are GONE, PAST, LIVED and damn, I've lived. I find myself here today with a lot of things I still wanna do and accomplish. So far, I've opened a bank account in a better bank, still working out even though it's cold as hell and I'm still taking photographs and stuff. The things I wanna do vary from making more money, to open up my creativity to initiate an income to finding out the answers to my questions to getting rid of Abbey's pacifier or what she calls (tete). All these things are a challenge but I think I'm more than ready to get off my ass and do more productive things. I've also stopped drinking, not entirely but cut it down to a very good level. There's a lot of shit that worries me but I'm hopeful and I'm little by little taking care of business. I still trust that whatever's meant to happen will happen but I know that I must man up to life and take charge in order to make things happen too. This is my new perspective on it, make life happen and wait for destiny to show you the way.