afraid of change?

A friend of mine told me a while ago that ever since I had Abbey I am more afraid of change; now I'm beginning to see what he was talking about. The truth, it IS fucking scary. Every decision I make has an effect on her. It is harder because a little person depends on you and with Ry working so fucking far it all falls on me. Like, when she's sick and I have to pick her up from daycare, it's all me. Okay, so my job has been pretty whatever lately, I'm not getting a raise and my friday check feels less and less secured, aside from that sometimes I cant even cash it and I'm asked to deposit it on Monday which leaves me the whole weekend without money basically and I know it's bullshit. You might ask why I put up with it and the honest truth is, comfort. My bosses know me and know my child and when Abbey got sick I was able to bring her here, if I ever have to take her to her doctor or whatever there's no problem at all. Those things might seem small but it makes a big difference in my life. Another reason why I'm still here is because Abbey's daycare is five minutes away; if anything happens I'm right there and it's such a wonderful daycare. She loves her teachers and her friends, she talks about them every day and is happy to be there. For months I've seen my current job become less and less realiable so, I've applied to different places, not getting a call back was kind of comforting because I wasn't pressured to make a decision, that was until today. I got a call back from an insurance agent and I have my interview this weekend. The office is located close to my house which would've been perfect if abbey's daycare will be close by BUT it really isn't. I mean, it's not THAT far but it will take me longer to pick her up or drop her off. One of the best things is that I could get out of work and be there in 5-8 minutes, I really can't wait to see her and if I take this job she will have to be in daycare for a looooonger period of time. Another thing is that I already paid for next year's registration which is non refundable. I'm getting too ahead of myself here, in order to not lose my mind I'm going to take it day by day. I'm going to go to the interview and see if it's something that'll be worth it; I'm thinking I need to make more money or there's no deal. Then I have to see if I even get hired; after that I will somehow make it work. We will have to wake up earlier or I dont know but I will try my hardest to keep Abbey there, I know that she will have to change schools someday but right now she's only two and I dont want to change her until she could talk more and develop more. In reality it breaks my heart even thinking about her being in another daycare with strange kids and teachers which is why I'll try to make this work. I'm getting my period soon too so it might be why I'm being so emotional about this but regarless, one day at a time and I already left it in God's hands. There's nothing else for me to do.

my little Abbey Rain

<3

Got Milk?

I sit here at work; sipping on my 3 o'clock coffee with a big "got milk?" written on top of my left hand. Why? Because I bought Abbey's milk during my lunch break and I must NOT forget it. A lot of people could look at this and think I'm crazy; I mean..how hard is it to remember that? It is, trust me; especially when I just storm out of here without looking back as soon as 4:30 hits. Maybe is juvenile, I'm sure I could find other ways of reminding myself that I must take the damn milk with me, maybe I should set up a reminder on my phone that'll go on exactly at 4:29 today but you know what? That's not me, this is me. It works for me and that's that, with my luck the reminder will be set at am and not pm and I'll leave the milk here.
I didn't go out for a walk last night; I was super tired and had no motivation. I tried to excuse it by telling Ryan that I need sports bras (which is true) but that's not the reason, the reason is I just didn't feel like it and went to sleep at 9:30 pm instead. I really do enjoy walking though, it helps me to listen to music and sweat my ass off. It makes me feel good and sexy when I walk home with a sweaty chest. So, I'm going tonight. I cannot fall into laziness anymore, I dont even do it to lose weight anymore, I do it because it's good for me. I don't get on my case and I give myself credit that I'm still doing this diet shit and that I am able to put on my running shoes after a day of work, Why? Well, this is how it goes:
7:30 am Wake up and get everyone else up. I Change, change Abbey, brush her teeth, make her milk and get the lunches out of the fridge, push her shoes on and look for kitty (her stuffed animal) get her bowl of gold fish crackers and wait for Ry.
8:10 am Leave house.
8:17 Drop Ry off at the train station.
8:40 Drop Abbey off at daycare.
9:00 am Arrive at work and continue to do little tasks here and there but more of less do nothing, aside from eating, answering emails, phone calls, filling out forms, washing the coffee pot, getting the mail, etc.
4:30 pm Leave work, yaiii.
4:40 Pick up Abbey from daycare (I love this part)
5:15 Arrive home, I play with Abbey and read her books and play with puzzles.
6:00 pm Put Elmo on and let Abbey have some alone time while I go to the kitchen. I wash dishes and start cooking.
6:45 Finish cooking.
6:55 Ry gets home and we eat dinner.
7:20 Put all dishes in sink and pack our lunches for the next day.
7:30 Bathe Abbey, then we usually play with her with the balloon or Ry becomes the "creepy monster" that chases Abbey around.
8:00 Give Abbey her bottle/ continue the games but more mellow now.
8:45 Ry changes Abbey and I get her crib and water bottle ready and well as my walking clothes.
8:50 Bed time Story
9:00 Good night, Abbey. *kiss kiss*
9:05 Out for a run/walk.
9:45 pm Come home and shower.
10:00 pm Spend some time with Ry.
10:30/45 Good Night World.

So, yea...I might be tired but it's doable, I've done it before and this is my life, this is who I am now and I wouldn't change anything about it. I like having a full schedule of things to do, I like having a little one I need to bathe and give her kitty to. I just need to stop being so lazy aboout this jogging thing; I will walk tonight even if I have to literally kick my own ass Fight Club style.

Last post in December? Really?

Wow, I completely forgot about this blog, but in between facebook, twitter and livejournal can you really blame me?? Truth is, I've been blogging in livejournal for soooo many years that's kinda like nature for me to just update it. It's a habit of mine, so excuse my absense. Here I am now, things are good. I'm still trying not to lose my mind and I'm learning how to be a mom every day, Abbey is amazing. She's soooo funny, honestly she's like having my own stand up comedian, the things she says are simple too funny, probably because it's all natural, nothing worse than someone trying to be funny. Anyway, aside from that things are good; the economy is pretty scary and annoying but we still manage to make it and have fun in between. My thing today is, seeing the world. Ahhh, the world. I have this other habit of going through msn. com's best pictures and I just saw this slideshow of 28 wonderful sights around the world; GOD it was enough to make my heart ACHE to actually see it. Not just see it but have Abbey see it and live it with those who I love the most. I wish I had a magic travel pass that'll allow me to go anywhere I want for free and take those I wanted to. I get anxious to see so many beautiful places and here I am, at my desk. *sighs* not fun, but everything has it's timing and right now I think it's the time to do exactly what I'm doing, living life here...raising my child and having simple fun. I know that as Abbey gets older it'll be even better to see all those places, but still the reason I get anxious I think is because I feel like there's so much to see and no way to get there, or so much to see and I'm wasting away by not being there, is that wrong? Is it not enjoying what I have here? Which is partially why I'm not there, because I must learn to enjoy life everywhere, not just in those places that appeal the most to me. Anyway, I'll give time time, but I will not allow myself to fall back on this and end up a 70 something year old woman still looking at those amazing photograhs around the world thru the internet oh no...I shall be IN the pictures, smiling away. Yep.