a gun underneath our pillow, a candle illuminating the room

noise.
passion.
fear.
rebellion.
emotions.
him.
me.
LOVE.

not backing down.

I know how much I'm worth, I know that if someone hurts me they should at least try to make things better, is the least they can do, to see such uninterest in his part to fix this, makes my heart ache and pisses me off behond believe, what does he expect? that i'm gonna do the work for him? that he could act like a total insensitive asshole and i'm gonna smile and take it. NO, it might cause me pain but i'm not backing down, it'll hurt yea but i'm not gonna look for him and make this easy on him, maybe he doesnt have experience handling a situation like this but if he cares he'll figure it out and as of now, he's not caring at all. Maybe, I was wrong about all this, maybe he didn't feel for me what I thought he did, maybe this is when the dust settles, at last. He's not the first guy I got to get over and he won't be the last, in the end there's only gonna be me and this is me, doing what I think is right, he's so unpredictable that i got no idea what's gonna happen, i wish he would show me that he cares, but i'm done having expectations, i'm just gonna let him fix this or let it die.

cant be tame.

So, I changed my hair again...is straight now, the curls or semi curls got on my nerves...
I'm lacking sleep, as always...I've been waking up a lot throughout the night, weird dreams and tiredness.
I'm 27 years old and still wear blue nail polish, I feel like I'll probably wear funky nail polish until I die, I'd be an El Camino driving, domino playing, funky nail color granny. Hell to the yes.
A lot of things don't make sense, still. I feel like the smoke hasn't cleared and this is just the in between stage, I feel stupid sometimes others I feel totally blissful. I am yet to get control over my emotions, I am still learning to accept and let go, I feel like the older you get the more you should be able to control yourself yet I lack so much control and I still feel as wild as when I was younger. I feel a strange and comfortable silence today, something I'm familiar with by now, I don't really know how to explain what I'm doing, all my life has seem divided, I've been so many different people, I've seen so many things and I've learned to live this doble life in a way that I can't explain. I let myself get carried away with feelings, with the rush of the moment, I crash and burn and then I dust myself off and take flight, not even i can tame me.