me, myself and solitude.

I haven't gone out all week, I've been pretty much going from work to home, cooking and playing with Abbey, Ry has gone out all week. I started a journal at home and read about medidating, also decided I'm going to learn how to play the harmonica, I'm spending a lot more time by myself now, practicing some much needed solitude. I've learned so much about my nature lately, the wild woman inside me, how I must not tame her yet learn to use only her qualities instead of the negatives. Some things aren't going to change, but some are a must. I haven't drank either, I plan on buying some soothing caffeine free tea for night times, I'm taking a break. I'm not going to become a loner either, I love being social and that's why tonight I'm going out for a while but with all the events that have recently happened, I think the best thing to do is to dissapear, which I have done to an extend. Work is keeping me busy and so is being at home, I still have a lot of bickering inside my head, a lot of questions that I know will go unanswer for a long time. I know that whatever's meant to happen will happen. I am simply creating a ying yang balance of loudness and silence within my life. There's no point on getting anxious, or living with an eternal "what if" inside my head, it is what it is and this is just another lesson, in the school of life.

byebye summer time

and with summer so many things end too, it was fun...it was crazy and maybe a little painful, i've learned and continue to learn. I'm practicing solitude now, I partied my way into almost insanity and I need to have some time alone, aside from that, all those who partied with me have gone their own way, which is good I guess, a change of pace. Now, fall is here...the leaves are falling off the trees, the weather is getting colder and I'm also getting rid of a lot of baggage, I'm setting goals and learning to do new things with my time. Everyone needs some time on their own, and all alone...I feel like my world got too crowded, too loud, leaving me a little crazy. I'm on my way to a healthier place, I said good bye to some people, to certain behaviour, I'm still me, just quieter and more focus, I need that silence right now. My world stopped spinning, and is a good thing...I was about to fall and I caught myself just in time, to enjoy this new and soothing season with a new vision in mind.

Welcome Autumn.

Crossroads.

One bad decision could lead to a another, if feels like I've been making bad decisions for almost a year, blame it on my wild nature, or on me getting my emotions do what they want with me, but things are so fucking messed up right now. After thinking it over and almost losing my mind, I know what I must do. I need to be left the fuck alone, I need to forget about men, about hooking up, about using people to get over people, over situations, I need to practice solitude and spend some time alone, single, unattached, for real. I need to live healthier, mentally and physically, I need to go back to nature, to distract myself with hobbies, apparently I have done enough to dig a huge hole and didnt even know about it until I was burried under so much bullshit. Instead of unloading my emotional baggage, I've added to it and it's so heavy right now, that i cant barely breath. I don't know what's ahead, I feel kinda lonely considering that I am stepping back and leaving things behind. I need time to clear my head, I need time to focus, to heal...I need to heal. I feel like I've been limping, I've been flying with broken wings and I finally got to a point when I cant pretend anymore, I need to take a break and really heal, to unload all the crap inside me that's causing stress, insecurities, pain. I need to do this by myself, instead of being such a pussy about it and depend on things to "forget about" things, I know better now...it doesnt work that way. I claim to be a bad ass, well solitude is bad ass, doing things by myself and for myself takes balls and that's what i need, not to use someone to get someone else out of my head but to actually grow the balls to walk away and do it by myself. I know it's gonna be hard to break the pattern I've been following but one step at a time is what matters, I need to find myself and only in the silence I will be able to heal and listen to my heart, is too damn noisy already. I will focus on positive, self fullfilling things, focus on my daughter, on work, on art, on good friends that i have no emotional baggage with, I will make better choices, this is my crossroads, once i'm done, i'll be able to walk with a firmer step, be a better version of me, I'm sooo ready for this. Bring it on.