The lived and learned bucket

Christmas was magical, it was the first time I've seen Abbey opening her gifts with such excitement, it was awesome to spend a good time together. It was fun to do the whole leave cookies for Santa tradition that I never had, all in all...magical.

After the crazy holidays, there's this week of silence that follows. Just a couple of days before a whole new year begins...just a couple of days for you to figure out what you learned, what you accomplished and to set your mind up for what you want out of yourself next year. It's amazing really, what a new year could really mean. It means everything is done, it means there's still a lot of better things to do, it means hope, it means blank canvas, it means another chance and getting it right, freedom to do it again, better, bigger. It could mean so many things and have different meanings to everyone but there's something refreshing about it and I think we all want to start over in a way or another. I sure know that there's a lot of things I must throw in the lived and learned bucket. I think that things happen for a reason and whether or not you decide to change or not, whether or not you forgive and forget, it was done and the best thing you can do, is just learn from it and move on. Move with life, move on with yourself. Leave it to fate, to God, to whatever controls the magic clock of life. I have faith, I know that I have a lot of things I need to change. I am looking forward to see these changes in me, I'm excited about proving to myself how strong I am, and the kinda things I could really do. I can't wait to kick some ass in this New Year and better myself and so many ways. I know I could do it, I know that it takes dedication, it takes courage, it takes chances, but here's my first chance...a whole NEW year. A whole new blank page to write, a new canvas to paint, a new year to live. Life is what you make of it, and I see myself making WONDERS.

I must.

I need to grab all these empty thoughts and uncontrollable energy and put it into something productive. I have ideas for photographs and cant seem to get off my ass and do it. I know that it takes a lot of time and effort to put one single shot together sometimes but it's fun; I just lose motivation just by thinking about it.

I almost lost it all for wanting it all; how stupid of me. I realized before it was too late that I need to focus on reality. I'm currently using my head. Forgive me life for not following my heart but there's no point in following something unless the timing is right otherwise it's useless and it could destroy so much. I made a mistake, wrong call, and now it's time to do some damage control. Maybe one day? Not counting on it, not even thinking about it. It's locked up in Davy Jones' Locker.

So, Christmas is almost here and we only bought Abbey's gifts which are the ones I care about the most. This weekend we are heading out and buying the rest of the things we need to buy. Everything is good, not great with us, we are trying to reconstruct things and do the best we can. Abbey's wonderful, is the one thing in my life that's constantly wonderful whether or not she's being a pain, she's always a spark of light in my otherwise confusing and chaotic mind.

Must take more photographs.

I've been eating too much shit lately; totally slacked off and didnt work out for like a week and a half. I blame the turkey :) I started again this week and I'm walking again. I like that night at night to think and the walking relaxes me. I know that once I fall into the habit then I wont get as lazy to do it. I've been stuck in between feelings/reality/bullshit etc, I'm done with it all. I basically put everything in God's hands and I decided to do what I must and whatever happens happens. I want to take photographs again, I stopped doing that because I was wrapped up in fucking spider webs. I could see things better now, it's Christmas time and things are still confusing but hell, things in life will always be weird, we just gotta keep on. Abbey had bronchitis, she's on medication and I'm crossing my fingers that her cough goes away soon. I really hate seeing her sick although she's a tough little girl and she rarely complains and even looks sick. Thanksgiving was good, good times with friends and family. I put up our xmas tree and decorations already. One of my tattoos faded somehow so, now I have to let it heal and go back for more ink pain, dammit. So, aside from the fact that we are broke I still find happiness and excitement on the little things. A lot of things keep me happy and content, I guess I'm blessed with that.

Like a band aid

Life throws a lot of things at you; it teaches you by giving you things. It teaches you by taking them away, sometimes the timing's off and there's nothing you can do. Fate has its time and that's the only one that matters not ours. Like a band aid that's how it was. I didn't even see it coming, it was just a spark...a few words and that's that. I don't even want to get into it because I've talked about it before now I just need to focus on the present and update this shit because I've been so lazy to even blog. Soooo, updates:
I got two new tattoos, a pirate flag on my rib cage and a shooting star on the side of my neck. It wasn't really planned but I love them both. I feel like they happened at the right time in my life; I'm done for a while though. I'm gonna get them retouched this weekend and that'll be the end of ink pain for a good time.
Abbey is doing really good, she's talking like crazy. She makes me laugh and surprises me every day with the things she says and remembers, it's so much fun. We just hang out as if she was my little girlfriend. When I first found out I was pregnant I wanted it to be a boy because I get along with boys better than girls but I'm so glad I got a girl because I'm learning so much from her and it's making me look at things in a whole different light. Ry and I have been in a pretty rocky place lately, it has to do with how different we are and I guess monogomy and every day stress but I am making it MY GOAL to reconnect with him. My heart has its own issues, but I must let things be, let the chips fall where they may and look at the present because the future is never guaranteed; whatever's meant to be...will be.
Work is there, still got one which it's good but the guarantee of a paycheck at the end of the week is getting scary. I've been thinking about a second job and I'm still applying around but so far things have remained the same. I keep praying that somehow things get better financially, I'm thankful for what I have but the economical stress SUCKS ASS. I know that life and God will provide but when you have a little person depending on you it's essential to make things work. I just want to make sure that she never lacks what she needs and I'm even thinking about getting some sorta degree or something to ensure my future. That's a near future plan because I still gotta take care of certain things before I could do that but I'm giving it some real thought this time. Point is, there's nothing I could do to really change things right now...I cant snap my fingers and make things fall into place, all I can do is try to manage the things I can at this moment, live the present and let fate do its thing with everything else. My life has already been written, I just need to follow along without wanting to take a peek at it, I just need to let it go and trust myself and enjoy my path.

Two years ago...

Life is unpredictable, things could change in ONE second and I think that's what I love about it. Although change scares the shit out of me sometimes, I know that changes are essential in life. Abbey turned two yesterday; we had her party on Saturday and it turned out really nice. She got plenty of gifts and had fun with her friend Jonathan. I can't explain how much she means to me and how she has made my life better. It's hard being a young parent and still trying to be yourself while you parent and care for a little person, but I'm learning. She loves me and I make a impact in her life even at this young age. I think that if I teach her right then she'll learn to see people outside the box which is important. Two years ago I was in a hospital bed learning to hold her, learning to change her diaper, learning to deal with the lack of sleep. Now, I'm still learning and I'm enjoying every single minute of it.

So, because of her and other circumstances I decided to let it go for sure. I decided that this is what I chose and I must "man up" to my word and my decision. Whatever will be will be but so far this is my life, and I will live it and rock it. Nothing else I can do.

The show must go on!!

A lot has happened, in the end...only time will tell. There's nothing to do but to carry on and live our life the best way we can. It will always be in my mind but right now, I have a lot of things going on and I know that if it's meant to be then timing will be right and it'll be. I trust in destiny. Abbey's 2nd birthday party is tomorrow; I cannot fucking wait. I dont know how many people are going and I could care less, I just want her to have a good time. She had a halloween party today at school and wore her little fairy outfit completed with wings, so fricking cute. So, there's a lot of things I have to do and although I have my need lists and stuff, I still get mini panic attacks about it. So, I'm gonna write it down to see if I could somehow make it happen without losing my mind. Tonight, I have to go to Winn Dixie and buy the rest of the things I need like extra plates, juices, etc. Tomorrow, wake up early...thank God Peanuts is gonna help me make the meatballs and chicken nuggets. So, I'll leave to the bank, come back home, pack all the shit we need to take to the party in our car. Then, all of us leave and pick up the cake, pick up the balloons and party treats. Head to the park and we have 30 minutes to decorate the damn thing, so Ry and the Jew will set up the tables while Peanuts and I do the decorations etc. I know that shit happens and something might go wrong but over all, plenty of time and it will be okay. It's all a matter of keeping cool. I seriously cannot wait to see the whole thing play out. Yaiii!

Look at the bright side

I find myself stuck in a gray cloud today due to finances. I pay things late, except for daycare. I am having some difficulties making ends meet to the point where I would like to get a second job or something but then I wouldn't see Abbey as much. I dont' know...when I was little I used to draw this eye in a sun thing and to me, it meant look at the bright side and I would always draw it, was it an early sign that life is shitty and will always have shitty moments so, we need to be constantly reminded that we must look beyond the bullshit and try to see the positive? I am scrapping it next week, like always. I must try to not spend ANY money or spend as little as possible even if it means making some sacrifices. I could sit here and complain about how unfair it is that some people have soooo much money and yet some have nothing but then again what I might have right now could be a fortune to those less fortunate than me. I don't know, I'm kinda bummed about it but I promised I wasn't gonna let this BULLSHIT affect me this way, it will work out at least I've got what I've got and I'm thankful.

When the going gets tough...

THE TOUGH GET GOING!!

If there's anything people know about me or seem to catch on quickly is that I'm strong. I might not be physically strong although I could probably put up a good fight but I'm mentally strong. I have strong beliefs and when I decide to do something, there's no stopping me. Somehow the lack of money always seems to break me a little bit. The fact that I can't keep up with all the shit I need to pay sometimes pisses me off. I still manage to make it work but in the meantime I stress myself so bad. I MUST STOP THIS SHIT.
I think everyone has people calling them, unpaid bullshit, etc. You just have to deal with it, luckily I'm not alone and Ry is willing to help and therefore once again, it's going to be okay. Christian mentioned how I must stop being so hard on myself when these things happen because it's not fair. I bust my fucking ass to provide for myself and my family and if I could bust my ass more and work 2 jobs I'll totally do it but I know that I wont spend time with them and that will kill me but I wouldn't think twice about it if I had to just to make sure she gets what she needs. I do a good job, I try to the last drop my best to be a good mom/wife/friend. I'm not perfect, I fuck up and will continue to fuck up but you know what, I'm here and I'm doing what I can...it'll be okay, I know that. Ironically enough the hardest part about the situation is not the situation itself, but my damn mentality about it. Must lay off.

always a halloween party.

So, this weekend was pretty cool. Friday we had our scary story night, we all dressed up and told scary story by the fire pit and basically drank beer til we couldn't anymore. Funniest moment: Walking into the grocery store dressed up like a doll, I swear I've never been stared at so much in my whole life. People looked scared, haha. What happened to people dressing up all the time for no apparent reason?? The cashier asked me if I was going to a halloween party...my answer was "there's always a halloween party". I just simply LOVE halloween, it's so much fun to dress up and just eat candy and have some good times with friends. So, aside from that I've decided to let time tell me what to do. It's a hard decision, my heart feels tore but I can't do anything about it. I need to do what I need to do and hopefully someday, I'll get my answer. All I know is that my heart is set; I must let time and destiny lead the way. In the mean time, I'll live my life...make the best of it. Focus on Abbey, on myself, on my life and I'll wait it out. Abbey's bday is only 20 days away, the invites are out and now I just need to get the food and the little party toys, etc. So fricking excited!! Life doesn't stop for nobody, aside from what I feel inside...the show must go on!!

I want it all.

Is it normal as human beings to want it all? The greed, the need that seems to take over us as we go about our life, the grass always looks greener on the other side yet we sit and there at it. At this point, I'm still insane...I'm battling my demons and dysecting the situation. I am living day by day and praying for insight. I have no many photograph ideas, it's amazing really. I need to start making them reality before my head blows up. I need cheap rain boots so I could finally take a pic on the abandoned sofa on the field I look at every damn day. It calls my name every time I see it. Things are good, Abbey has growned and learned so much. She understand and speaks like a regular human being now, she's wonderful. I already booked her bday party place and got the bday party stuff. I just need to figure out the food and all the other details. There's a lot going on but as always, I'm taking it slow.

"I love you"

Abbey has recently began to say "I love you"; until now she would refuse to say it. She looked at me the other day and said "I love you , mommy" I've been lucky enough to hear those words many of times since I was put on this earth, whether it came from my parents, boyfriends, friends...I've heard it plenty of times but I have never heard it coming from my daughter and it was simply wonderful. Words cannot express it really, there's is no such comparison. It just is and it makes all her tantrums and annoying little remarks totally worth taking. If I've learned something is that you simply never know; you'll never know where life might take you but I could tell you now, she and I, forever. She will grow and she will love me for who I am, and respect despite my craziness and I would love her eternally for who she is. She'll learn as she grows old...she'll fall in love, she'll have adventures, heartbreaks, all the other wonderful things that life brings. I could only hope to be so lucky, to be part of everything. If there's a definition of bond and pure love, this is it, Abbey and I.

Time

There's nothing to do but give it time; I want to be numb. It killed me last night. I felt so helpless...helpless to the situation. I now feel better although I have no idea what to do or how to let go. I guess, I'll just give it time to see if it dissolves by itself without much effort. It's a long shot though, it hasn't dissolved in two years, doubt it will soon. I am so retarted, I don't know what I'm doing really, I'm just feeling. You'd think that at this age, I will have some sorta direction but I don't at all. I mean, you never really know where life will take you, look at Peanuts...she's 51 and she's still on the road, wondering what to do next. Day by day man, that's all you can do. My dad is leaving tomorrow, there goes the last of my blood relatives here...aside from Abbey, it's kinda lonely but something tells me that it's exactly how it's supposed to be, just her and I, that's all I truly need.

There's no happily ever after. And I dont care.

Sorry to be so damn realistic, but it's true. You won't meet someone and be in love forever and live happily ever after. You'll meet someone and it'll be great for a while until someone stops feeling it. Until someone changes or no one changes yet it doesnt feel the same. Maybe you'll leave, maybe you'll stay because changing your life will be too frightning for you to do but all in all there's no ONE happiness, there's no ONE love or ONE happily ever after. Took me 26 years to find this out and as depressing as it may seem, it's also liberating. I've met guys, many guys...some I cared for, some I didn't bother with, some I loved, some I still love. I've felt in love plenty of times, although later I realized it wasn't love. Still, some things are and some aren't and only time will tell you which things are real. Even if you spend 50 years with ONE person, it doesn't mean you got your happily ever after, it just means no one made a move. I meet people who have been together for a long time, get along just fine...I ask them what's the secret? They try to come up with some clique line like "Communication is key" I guarantee they haven't talked all night in years, made love in a decade? That's not happiness, things end whether the whole world knows or not, it fades. I am happy as of now, but I know that the only love that will be neverending, will be the love for my child...that's it. Whether I stay with Ry or not, whether I end up somewhere else, it's all temporary happiness and then it'll be gone. Maybe this is what makes it beautiful? Maybe it's sad? It's a pursuit, the pursuit of the happily ever after. I no longer care about being happy forever, give me this happiness...give me short happiness, even if it all ends, at least I could say that I've been happy...I no longer expect it to last forever; It's better if it doesn't.

Temporary Insanity

Is it possible for a regular person to plea temporaray insanity? To simply state that they have lost their damn mind? I think this happens a lot actually, a person for one reason or another might lose their insight and live in a bubble of irresponsability and crazyness and there's no other way of explaining this but to admit that sometimes, we all just go insane even if it's for a moment. It might not be as serious or it might be, it really depends but I'm pretty sure it's possible and I'm pretty sure, it's happening somewhere as we speak.

asshole money.

Money is not my friend lately; it's a mix of bills getting higher and me spending on shit I dont really need but this is all going to change. I know that I cannot control the economy, I can't control how much a bill is going to be (I could try to make it less but it's inevitable) what I can control is my decisions. I decide to not spend on anything but essentials; which means we dont go out and spend one penny so, we are going to have to get creative. Ryan and I decided to take on the no spending month challenge just to see how much we are spending on unnessasary things. I'm sure the results will amaze us, I also talked to Peanuts about it since she's also in a money hole and she might do the same. I honestly don't know what the big deal is? There's plenty of free events to go sometimes, there're indoor activities we can do, quality time to spend together, work on ourselves, work on crafts, we can do things that don't require a lot of money like going to the pool or the park. There's no need to go out and drink $20 worth of beer, a 12 pack costs less and I could drink it happily at home, not every weekend either. Some changes need to be made; I feel that if these things dont change now then it'll be harder to change them later. I need to get used to spending less; it's amazing how now days, us...humanity seems to depend on a full schedule, events here...doing this and that, going here and there. Look at monks, how simple yet fulfilling their life is. I'm sure they get together and drink some wine and talk all night. No need for more, it's funny but I'm beginning to learn that when it comes to a social life less is more and you make the best out of it. You work on yourself, you explore, you create, you read, you dance, you learn, you love, you laugh. That's what is about.

When I read about what's going on in other countries, places like Africa and the middle East. When I find out that families are forces to live in a refugee camp among trash because there's no enough space it makes me want to slap myself in the face. I sit here, complaining about stupid ass shit when there's real suffering going on, real misfortune. It makes whatever it is I'm going thru seem so stupid and yet this people somehow still find it in their hearts to be kind, it's amazing. I wish I could meet them, although being over there would probably break my heart but I know I would learn so much from them. I know that once I see the real trials they face every day it'll give me enough courage and always feel blessed, to not be ungrateful not even for the bad because there's always someone going thru something worse. It saddens me to think that this is real, that people are suffering like that but there's nothing I could really do, but learn from this and use it to make my life better, to be thankful for every single thing and even the lack of it. I just pray that people who could help, find it in their hearts to do so maybe one day I could do something more than praying.
The weekend was great; I'm still on cloud 9 from the cold medicine which I decided to stop taking as of this morning. Friday Ry and I played some poker and spent some time together alone. Saturday we went to the moon faire at coral castle, Abbey didnt really like the drum circle although it was her first. We did spend some time looking for bugs, hugging trees and running around. I swear that little girl keeps me going; as tired as I am I would run up and down with her just to see that exciting and happy look in her face. Later that night, the Jew picked me up and we went to Tony's drank some beer and talked shit for a while then we went to the grove. It was practically empty, we hung out at Fat Tuesday and then we went to the Tarvern. Hit Taco Bell at 3 am like always and went home. Sunday I cleaned and went to see the park for Abbey's party which I'm hoping to book today. The rest of the day was pretty laid back and lazy, sundays are always like that for some reason.

confession: I'm blogging simply out of boredom.

tic....toc. I swear time has gone by soooooo slowly today. I am losing my mind, not to mentioned I'm still sorta sick but it's friday and that's helping me deal with the day. I miss Abbey, I want to pick her up already even if she's a pain, being sick cuts my patience in half and I feel bad because I know she doesn't understand that mommy is sick when she decides to act up. I'm learning though, she's also learning that mommy is not perfect. I will put my sickness aside tonight to enjoy some beer and some time with Ry; maybe play some poker or something. I feel like we need to spend some time alone together. I really hope my "flu" or whatever it is I have is gone soon, I can't keep drinking medication..I swear a spider waived hi at me today while I was in the bathroom, so no more nyquil. Hopefully the beer will help me :)

I just goggled how often should I drink dayquil

and is not because I get that "fear and loathing in las vegas" feeling from it but because I'm sick, again. Blah. Interestently enough, all I found on google was useless articles and people talking about taking a bottle of dayquil/nyquil and being so increible fucked up, duh. I really hope I sleep better tonight, last night I couldn't sleep. The thunder storm had me up, then my throat was bothering me, then Abbey couldn't sleep and kept calling me to give her water then her blanket, etc. I got up like four times because I couldn't resist her little voice asking for my help by the 5th time I told her to get it herself. Somehow after 4 am I was able to fall asleep to wake up at 7:15 am. Why do I get sick all the fucking time? I hate feeling sick, partially because it ruins my spirit and makes time go by slower. Whatever, I'll wait till I get home to drink my disgusting shot of nyquil. I really need to get my shit together and work on the photography ideas I have. I keep browsing thru flickr like a damn idiot day dreaming about taking shots like that and yet I am not practicing. It's already thursday so, tomorrow night I'll get some beer and smeer my black mascara off my face and call it a shot, hopefully.

My throat hurts and I broke three nails translation rockin' weekend

Sometimes I think I need new friends; I noticed this lately because every time it's my turn to go out, there's peanuts, christian and once in a blue the jew and that's it. I dont really have anyone else to chill with but then again, what's the point of having new friends? With this people, is a guarantee BLAST, there's nothing better than the comfort of an old friend. So, although yea, I wish I had more options, I'm beginning to understand that what I have, it's plenty. Friday night, I went to the Hardrock Casino and had such a rockin' time. We went to the Irish Bar and danced around to the band, then we went to Wet Willis and had a "call me a cab" (thank god christian was driving and he doesnt drink) after that, it was a mix of taking random pictures while sitting on the stairs next to the bar and somehow jumping on stage with the band and then going to another bar and making friends with random japanese people who bought us shots that smelled like rubbing alcohol and making the bar tender do a fire show. It's all a blur which is why I'm dying to see those damn pictures. Saturday, rained all fricking day, I was super tired from the night before so, we just relaxed at home. Sunday, it was Noah's birthday party (abbey's boyfriend) and she had a blast; she had her first kiss, it was so cute. We both went in the jumping house, it was her first time in a bouncing house and I havent done that since I was little girl, it was so much fun. Oddly enough, I ran into my old crush from middle school. I'm talking 7th/8th grade, it was so random. Ry knows about him and he was the one who pointed him out because he happens to know him too. Of course, very much like middle school we didnt speak at all but still, I couldn't help to think back and remember those days. Who was to say that 12 years from then, this guy who I liked so much was going to be at my daughter's friend's bday party. So weird. Monday we went to the beach and had a good time, we collected shells...there's something about collecting shells that brings so much peace to me, it just screams summer time. I enjoyed walking along the beach with Abbey looking for shells, she held the bucket. I like to think I'm teaching her one of the best things in life, to enjoy the simple moments. Afterwards, Abbey rode the carousel for the first time, I'm such a sucker for firsts haha. She was scared at the beginning, so we just sat on a bench instead of a horse, we got off and she wanted to go again and the guy running the thing let us go in again so, she sat on the horse and I held her. Up and down she went, she looked like such a big girl. I looked at the carousel, the horse going up and down and I remembered my own childhood. I remember looking at the exact same thing, loving the whole waving at my mom thing, in this case Abbey waived at grandma. I live for this shit, living life...trying new things, collecting...memories.

No plans just fun.

That's basically my new way of seeing weekends; I know that plans fall thru all the time and there's no point in planning and counting in something. It's better to open your mind and simply say no plans, just fun. Whatever you do end up doing, put your heart in it and rock it. I know that regardless of anything I want to spend as much time with Abbey as I can. She's such a delight to be around. Annoying at times, but overall just wonderful. She loves her daycare, she's so friendly and strong. She has a lot of qualities at her young age that I wish I had now, it's amazing how much she's learning and how much I am learning too. So, one thing I really want to do this weekend is check out the park where we should be having her bday party. I want to try to book it already so, at least the place will be set then I could worry about the other things like party stuff and food, etc. I also want to try to work on some of the picture ideas I have, so far I have three in mind: "Believe in fairies", "A little dead" and "Is my Mascara running?" Ry is supposed to be going out saturday night so, I might use the night to try to compose one of this shots. I dont know, at this point...I don't really anticipate, I just live.

Giving niceness a try

I noticed how brutally honest I am lately; this is not necesarily a good thing. I believe that in order to live in a peace world environment you must learn to accept people which I find so fucking hard to do at times because most people are rude, creepy and annoying. I have somehow developed this cruel honesty towards those people. I know that telling someone the truth is admirable but I think I've taken this to another unnecesary level. I am mean, like I would tell someone straight up that I do not want to sit with them or talk to them period. Usually because they give me a weird vibe and I simply really don't want to talk to them but I feel like maybe I could be nicer about it? Maybe I could try to sugar coat it a little bit at least in order to not get stabbed or punched in the face or something? I could give niceness a try.I could try to not be rude even if people are being rude, I mean isn't that being the bigger person? I'm just so aggresive lately, so hostile. I don't know where it came from but to certain people I'm simply a bitch to and I cannot help it. Like last night, I'm talking to Eri and we are obviously in this deep conversation and some dude interupts me to ask us if we are singing or something. I just looked at him and said "we are talking" I mean, what the hell? He was so rude. I'm sure he didnt' mean to interupt us or whatever but shit like that piss me off because I seriously doubt he was there to really ask us whether or not we were going to sing. He was there to try to get in our pants and waste our damn time which I put a stop to right from the start. I dont want to change who I am, which is this...I'm a bitch at times, but I mean well. I might be harsh but I'm still friendly to those I consider worthy. I dont think I'm the best, but I know what kinda of friend I am, I know I could blow your mind, I know my energy could pick you up and take you around the world therefore I try to surround myself with people who are equally powerful. Still, I could perhaps be nicer, say "I'm sorry, we are talking right now" instead of the hard cold response. Maybe I could try building more friends instead of shutting people down immediately. I think that you live and learn and this is me, learning.

Not a regular dreamer.

I wasnt raised in a new age world; my parents are hardcore christians. I wasn't raized to believe in alternative religion or unconventional ways of seeing the world but somehow I am drawn to that. I dont think it's rebellion anymore, maybe when I was younger it was but now I'm beginning to realize what this is and how strong it is. I'm a dreamer, and no I dont mean it in the emo way you are thinking about. I mean, I dream things...I dream about the future, I get messages and I see things in my dreams. Since I was a little girl I've had a real connection to my dreams; I have a highly developed subconcious and at first I thought that everyone has crazy dreams but now I see that this is a gift. Lately, my dreams are getting more and more intense and I seem to be in a state of awake/asleep at night. I think it's time for me to embarge of this, and embrace this gift. I think this is mostly for me, but I could also use this to help others. I've been reading and there're several things I most do. First, there's something called Dream Incubation which means you ask a question before bedtime and you let your Dream Oracle answer you; I must wait at least a week to see if I get that answer. Another important thing I have to do is to cleanse my chakras. I must practice a cleansing exercise at least three times a week. I must get a dream journal which I think I'm going to do here because I have more time at work to write than at home. Even, if I dont truly remember the dream I will try to post bits and pieces I do remember. I am definately sure of this, I think this is my calling. I've been neglecting this gift and is time to exercise it. I also must take care of myself, meditate, etc. I'm taking my Ametrine and Amethyst stones to full moon on friday and having them cleanse and charge so they could help me thru this. I'm so ready to dedicate myself to this girl and I pray that this will bring positivity and peace to my life as well as those around me.

Back.

Vacation's over. One thing that amazed me was how I cannot sleep late anymore. Even if Abbey wasnt there, I simply CAN'T. I felt like such an idiot waking up at 10:00 am when I could've slept til 1:00 pm but I couldn't do it. I felt like there was so much to enjoy while I was off work. So, I dragged Ry to one of the creepiest most random places in South Florida, the name Jimbos. People could live here their whole life and not know about this place, it's simply amazing. We went, we walked, we took pictures, we drank $2.00 beer, we got bit my murdeous mosquitos and then we went to play pool. I couldn't remember the last time I drank beer before 3:00 pm. It was vacation, man. The rest of the time was pleasant, I had time alone which I never do. I cleaned the house in my underwear and with the music loud as hell which I never do. We went to see Taking Woodstock and it was awesome; I felt like a was tripping at times..so weird. We went to Scullys and had a good time listening to a cool little band. Lunch at coconut grove, I visited Abbey's teacher and we hung out with her and her 2 yr old daughter. I realized then how big Abbey's getting. She was sitting on the couch with the other little girl, eating chicken nuggets, watching Care Bears and laughing. I could hear them from the kitchen making each other laugh and it was simply amazing. She is her own little person now. The rest on the time was a blast, Abbey's new thing to do is to let us know when she farts by saying "I farted". How awesome is that?? It's an automatic pick me up for me. We took her to the orthopedict and she does have a slight bow leg but the doctor said it should clear on its own, her knees are straight and that's what's important. Her birthday is two months away and I really need to get started on it. So much to do...I was kinda freaking out about it because of money. I really wish I could be like Abbey, she just trusts...she never worries, she knows that it will be provided. I need to be like that, I need to trust that it will be provided.

good weekend, finally.

I could finally say that I had a very goooood weekend; the past two weekends were so bummy. One was ruined by three hours in a mechanic shop and spending lots of money to repair the asshole supercharge in my car and last week I was sick with some asshole flu but this weekend was...exquisite. I guess, life decided to give me a damn break. What a glorious day today is, is sunny, yet dark clouds fill the sky, thundering but no rain. WONDERFUL. Anyway, so this weekend was rad, I got a chance to tan in the sun for a while...had a good night out on saturday by the way who says you cannot have a pizza delivered at the bar?? And sunday we took Abbey to the park and then we went for the most delicious ice cream. So, all in all...wonderful. Ry is on vacation all week, Abbey's in daycare and I'm at work but I'm feeling goood. My vacation starts on Wednesday and so far we have some things in mind to do but no real plans, all I know is that I'm going to enjoy every minute of it. After the vaca we have to start planning Abbey's bday party which is coming up soon, Mr. Ray said he'll help us out with some money for it and that's a HUGE blessing because parties for toddlers are somehow not as cheap as they seem. It's for her though so, it's worth it.

Rock on.

First literary rejection

My friend Kate read my book; she liked it and gave me pointers on it. I went back revised it and decided to write my query letter which I think is pretty good. I went ahead and emailed about 12 agents because as it turns out almost every good publisher doesnt accept queries unless it's submitted by a literary agent so, I decided to gather as much information about it and I emailed my query to them. A couple of hours later I got my first literary rejection which sucked but at least it wasn't that bad, the guy was nice enough to say that other opinions vary and that he wishes me luck on my search for representation. Well, I feel kind of like a real writer already...I've read about the rejections and the long search for a good agent but I feel accomplished that at least I got off my ass I did something in regards to my dream. I'm taking it easy and seeing what life guides me. It'll really be awesome of I could turn this passion of mine into a real job but I know good things dont come easy.
I'm completely over the stupid flu I had and I'm ready for some fun; tonight's karaoke and I'm thinking cowboy hat and 3d glasses :) aside from that I dont know if Linda's "boyfriend" will be...I haven't been the third wheel in a long ass time and I'm seriously not up for it tonight. I dont feel like cooking today at all. PIZZA!!

soul mate?

One thing I managed to do this weekend is go to the movies and watch 500 days of summer, remarkable movie. It shows the truth about love, sometimes you might meet someone and find in them everything you've wanted and you might think they're your soul-mate, that specific person you are meant to be with but that doesnt mean you are their soul-mate. That doesnt mean that you are both supposed to be end up together. I could think back and mention a few guys I've been with who probably saw me as "the one". I could actually name about four guys who maybe still hold me close to their memories as the one who got away, but in the end...in the bottom of my heart, I knew it wasn't them. Sometimes, what you see it's not what you get...sometimes, timing's just off. Sometimes, it simply isn't it and you just have to walk away and who knows. maybe you'll really meet your real soul mate. I'm sure there're a good number of people we can easily be happy with but does that mean, they are you soul mate? I dont know, maybe I'll never know. Ry has always been so special to me, since the moment I saw him he got tattooed in my soul like no other guy and we are almost two years together "married" which could change a lot of things but we are still here and we are happy, things did change because a child makes things different but I love him, up to this point...I could say he is my soul mate, at least the closer thing I've had to a soulmate so far. Anyway, so everyone should see this movie...and comprehend the lesson within it maybe it'll make us all understand why some things simply dont work out although that doesnt' mean it'll hurt any less.

So, I was pretty bummed out yesterday but eventually I cheered up. Peanuts didnt work at night so she came home early and cooked dinner (yai) and did dishes so I basically got to play with Abbey and relax which helped my mood. I wanted to jog at night but it started pouring so, I decided to make fun of my mood and threw myself a pity party (literally) I have to admit I actually had a blast :)

Pity Party

Welcome to Karin's pity party, please take a seat and shut the fuck up.

Due to my lack of weekend DUE to the fact that I was sick as a dog all fucking weekend starting from friday night, I feel like a negative little ghome today. I feel so fucking bummed out that I dont want to talk to anyone, I just want to sit here and throw myself a little pity party in order to let things out and hopefully feel better. I'm so glad that I dont have Abbey today, wouldn't want her near me feeling like this, feeling this negative and bitter. I dont want to know about anyone right now, first because their happiness will piss me off and secondly because I wouldn't want them to feel like I do, which I'm sure my darkness right now is strong enough to cut through anyone's good spirits. BALLS. yea BALLS...that's what I said. Balls meaning, shit and fuck don't cut it no more, so I say BALLS right now.
I'm pissed off that I didnt have a weekend, I was sick and felt like shit. I couldn't do any of the things I actually wanted to do, like paint...like play etc. Abbey's reaction to the magical tent was not what we expected but at least after she realized what was going on she liked it and then 10 minutes later she tripped over it and ripped it, so that was that. We were so bummed out, whatever she's a baby, babies trip.
I'm tired, I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck. I dont care if careerbuilder.com says that 41% of workers live like that, I DON'T want to live like this. I'm tired of having to decide which bill I pay and which will have to wait because I can't pay both plus daycare.
I'm tired of my hair, I'm tired of NOT liking my hair. In general I'm just so fucking tired of all the stupid little things that I cannot change. BALLS.
Whatever, I need to stop being such a pussy...so what if I had a bad weekend? I have so many good weekends that having a bad weekend is kinda entitled. So what if I live paycheck to paycheck? At least Abbey always has what she needs and in reality if I was living p2p then I wouldn't been able to get George Thorogood and the Destroyers c.d this weekend. I'm just such a baby sometimes, too. I need to look at the positives, like Abbey didnt get sick...like I still got to go to the movies friday night before I got dog sick, like I was somehow able to lysol the shit out of my house to try to protect everyone from getting this horseshit virus, like it's monday and at least I didnt have to come to work feeling like total crap. Yea, so pity party's over.

P.S
Fuck my hair.

artsy weekend.

I NEED to make art, art of all sorts. It's thrusday and I am making this coming weekend my artsy weekend. Meaning= I'll paint, take photographs and write. The whole weekend I want to dedicated to art. Saturday night Ry is going out so I'll have the whole night to paint my little ass off, sometime on Sunday I want to take a good photograph, I've been thinking of taking a picture of me posing as dead; weird I know but my dark side has be tugging on my sleeve for a while now and I think it's time to "die" in a picture, I have a great idea for it too...can't wait to pull it off. So, it's settled...this weekend will be dedicated to art in all forms (or at least the forms I can do) Saturday is national relaxation day so, I'm thinking of hitting the beach, nothing beats the beach when it comes to relaxing. I dont know, no plans just art.
My mind has been out of control lately; crazy dreams...crazy thoughts...maybe focusing on art will help me sort my feelings out or at least add for color and form to it, can't wait to paint.

monday's blahs

I feel so blah...maybe is because I just called that job just to find out they already have someone there, I guess they needed to hired someone right away. Maybe is because it's such a slow day at work and I only have a specific amount of websites I could visit before time here gets repeditive and dull; maybe is simply because is monday. I'm trying to lift my spirits up before I pick Abbey up; I really hate picking her up in a bad mood, although seeing her automatically lifts my spirits. I guess I'm just thinking about the negative. I'm not seeing the fact that I have a job and are able to pay for what I need and even a little more; I'm just focused on my defects. I really need to go back to the jogging track tonight, my ankles killed me last time and I'm not lying, it sucked. I gave myself a week break and now I have that "laziness" guilt all over me so, I need to get my shit together and go jogging tonight. *sighs* I think the little vacation time I have coming up it's much MUCH needed. I hate having so much time to think; need to somehow let it go. This is what's happening and I have to accept it, so in other words...fuck it.

fuck the beach let's go ghost town hunting instead

I asked my boss for three vacation days at the end of the month; I didn't want to take the whole week off but I figure wed, thrus and fri is a fair choice. Ry and I two year anniversary is on the 25th which is a tuesday (blah). We are going to the jew's friday afternoon and coming back saturday afternoon, peanuts is watching abbey and I dont want to steal her whole weekend either but I figure it's a good amount of time to chill and relax kidless especially since I'm already gonna be with abbey all week yai. So I googled ghost towns in florida and there's quite a few of them; I went thru all of them and looked at the county and what remains of the actual town; I found a good one near by where the jew lives in palm beach so instead of going to the beach yet again (like i can't do that here) we are gonna go find this place, the directions are vague and I'm sure we're gonna have to do quite a search to find this fucker but it should be cool. There're abandoned factories and shit, things people haven't used in years, I can't wait. Old and abandoned just SCREAMS "visit me" to me.What is it about fridays that time goes by so slowly? Is it the anticipation of the weekend? Is it the fact that you just want to get the fuck out of work already after doing the same shit for 5 days straight? I dont know but tonight's the Led Zep laser show and I'm ready to rock the fuck out.

last night I celebrated NOT getting that job

So, they never called me and I'm very confused about it; first I kinda felt happy about not having to make so many changes and then I felt dissapointed because I wanted to make more money and have health ins and all that other stuff but I clearly prayed about it and put it out there that if this was not for me then I dont want it, so I guess last night I celebrated the fact that this was not meant to be for me and that's a good thing. I didn't want to end up working for the wrong company or perhaps hating my job so yea, cheers to not getting the bitch.I'm very thankful to still have my job and I would continue to apply until the right job comes along; I know that things will be okay. I got home at 2:00 am and proceeded to rape my husband, fun night. Oh yea, www.textsfromlastnight.com best fucking thing ever.

why wasnt I in Woodstock?

Taking Woodstock is coming out soon; I cannot WAIT to see it. I might even cry my ass off asking why wasn't I there? I would've tripped on acid, I would've made friends with strangers, probably made out with a few of them, I would've danced in the rain and slid on the mud. WHY? And the hope of having anything even remodetely close to it, it's a joke. Music doesn't even exist anymore, everything is fabricated. I've seen little bands here and there with AMAZING talent, but they dont' get a damn chance because they are not what the "media" or record labels are looking for, which is the same damn thing, same image, same crap over and over again. What ever happened to being a rebel? to individiality? to being drunk on stage? Music is so safe lately, the image is so clean and pure, GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK! The world tries to shelter kids from drugs and sex by portraying artists as if they were the virgin mary. As if the world, school and friends wont show them differently; I was sheltered as a kid..growing up in a christian world. God, my parents didnt even let me watch The Simpsons and I still found my way to the "bad" things, to the dark world...ahhh the dark world, what's so wrong with that? It teaches you, it helps you, it MAKES you and half the reason I am how I am today is because of my experiences in the dark world. It makes me sick, this portray of virginity....all LIES. Kids will find out soon enough and then the joke's on you. Anyway, back to woodstock....man, I could totally see myself laying on the wet grass, barefooted, hippies tripping on mushrooms to my left and a couple making out on my right, the smell of incense and marijuana in the soft yet cool breeze, the stars above me...everyone together...everyone in harmony, COEXISTING, breathing...living...

hey, maybe I WAS there after all...

afraid of change?

A friend of mine told me a while ago that ever since I had Abbey I am more afraid of change; now I'm beginning to see what he was talking about. The truth, it IS fucking scary. Every decision I make has an effect on her. It is harder because a little person depends on you and with Ry working so fucking far it all falls on me. Like, when she's sick and I have to pick her up from daycare, it's all me. Okay, so my job has been pretty whatever lately, I'm not getting a raise and my friday check feels less and less secured, aside from that sometimes I cant even cash it and I'm asked to deposit it on Monday which leaves me the whole weekend without money basically and I know it's bullshit. You might ask why I put up with it and the honest truth is, comfort. My bosses know me and know my child and when Abbey got sick I was able to bring her here, if I ever have to take her to her doctor or whatever there's no problem at all. Those things might seem small but it makes a big difference in my life. Another reason why I'm still here is because Abbey's daycare is five minutes away; if anything happens I'm right there and it's such a wonderful daycare. She loves her teachers and her friends, she talks about them every day and is happy to be there. For months I've seen my current job become less and less realiable so, I've applied to different places, not getting a call back was kind of comforting because I wasn't pressured to make a decision, that was until today. I got a call back from an insurance agent and I have my interview this weekend. The office is located close to my house which would've been perfect if abbey's daycare will be close by BUT it really isn't. I mean, it's not THAT far but it will take me longer to pick her up or drop her off. One of the best things is that I could get out of work and be there in 5-8 minutes, I really can't wait to see her and if I take this job she will have to be in daycare for a looooonger period of time. Another thing is that I already paid for next year's registration which is non refundable. I'm getting too ahead of myself here, in order to not lose my mind I'm going to take it day by day. I'm going to go to the interview and see if it's something that'll be worth it; I'm thinking I need to make more money or there's no deal. Then I have to see if I even get hired; after that I will somehow make it work. We will have to wake up earlier or I dont know but I will try my hardest to keep Abbey there, I know that she will have to change schools someday but right now she's only two and I dont want to change her until she could talk more and develop more. In reality it breaks my heart even thinking about her being in another daycare with strange kids and teachers which is why I'll try to make this work. I'm getting my period soon too so it might be why I'm being so emotional about this but regarless, one day at a time and I already left it in God's hands. There's nothing else for me to do.

my little Abbey Rain

<3

Got Milk?

I sit here at work; sipping on my 3 o'clock coffee with a big "got milk?" written on top of my left hand. Why? Because I bought Abbey's milk during my lunch break and I must NOT forget it. A lot of people could look at this and think I'm crazy; I mean..how hard is it to remember that? It is, trust me; especially when I just storm out of here without looking back as soon as 4:30 hits. Maybe is juvenile, I'm sure I could find other ways of reminding myself that I must take the damn milk with me, maybe I should set up a reminder on my phone that'll go on exactly at 4:29 today but you know what? That's not me, this is me. It works for me and that's that, with my luck the reminder will be set at am and not pm and I'll leave the milk here.
I didn't go out for a walk last night; I was super tired and had no motivation. I tried to excuse it by telling Ryan that I need sports bras (which is true) but that's not the reason, the reason is I just didn't feel like it and went to sleep at 9:30 pm instead. I really do enjoy walking though, it helps me to listen to music and sweat my ass off. It makes me feel good and sexy when I walk home with a sweaty chest. So, I'm going tonight. I cannot fall into laziness anymore, I dont even do it to lose weight anymore, I do it because it's good for me. I don't get on my case and I give myself credit that I'm still doing this diet shit and that I am able to put on my running shoes after a day of work, Why? Well, this is how it goes:
7:30 am Wake up and get everyone else up. I Change, change Abbey, brush her teeth, make her milk and get the lunches out of the fridge, push her shoes on and look for kitty (her stuffed animal) get her bowl of gold fish crackers and wait for Ry.
8:10 am Leave house.
8:17 Drop Ry off at the train station.
8:40 Drop Abbey off at daycare.
9:00 am Arrive at work and continue to do little tasks here and there but more of less do nothing, aside from eating, answering emails, phone calls, filling out forms, washing the coffee pot, getting the mail, etc.
4:30 pm Leave work, yaiii.
4:40 Pick up Abbey from daycare (I love this part)
5:15 Arrive home, I play with Abbey and read her books and play with puzzles.
6:00 pm Put Elmo on and let Abbey have some alone time while I go to the kitchen. I wash dishes and start cooking.
6:45 Finish cooking.
6:55 Ry gets home and we eat dinner.
7:20 Put all dishes in sink and pack our lunches for the next day.
7:30 Bathe Abbey, then we usually play with her with the balloon or Ry becomes the "creepy monster" that chases Abbey around.
8:00 Give Abbey her bottle/ continue the games but more mellow now.
8:45 Ry changes Abbey and I get her crib and water bottle ready and well as my walking clothes.
8:50 Bed time Story
9:00 Good night, Abbey. *kiss kiss*
9:05 Out for a run/walk.
9:45 pm Come home and shower.
10:00 pm Spend some time with Ry.
10:30/45 Good Night World.

So, yea...I might be tired but it's doable, I've done it before and this is my life, this is who I am now and I wouldn't change anything about it. I like having a full schedule of things to do, I like having a little one I need to bathe and give her kitty to. I just need to stop being so lazy aboout this jogging thing; I will walk tonight even if I have to literally kick my own ass Fight Club style.

Last post in December? Really?

Wow, I completely forgot about this blog, but in between facebook, twitter and livejournal can you really blame me?? Truth is, I've been blogging in livejournal for soooo many years that's kinda like nature for me to just update it. It's a habit of mine, so excuse my absense. Here I am now, things are good. I'm still trying not to lose my mind and I'm learning how to be a mom every day, Abbey is amazing. She's soooo funny, honestly she's like having my own stand up comedian, the things she says are simple too funny, probably because it's all natural, nothing worse than someone trying to be funny. Anyway, aside from that things are good; the economy is pretty scary and annoying but we still manage to make it and have fun in between. My thing today is, seeing the world. Ahhh, the world. I have this other habit of going through msn. com's best pictures and I just saw this slideshow of 28 wonderful sights around the world; GOD it was enough to make my heart ACHE to actually see it. Not just see it but have Abbey see it and live it with those who I love the most. I wish I had a magic travel pass that'll allow me to go anywhere I want for free and take those I wanted to. I get anxious to see so many beautiful places and here I am, at my desk. *sighs* not fun, but everything has it's timing and right now I think it's the time to do exactly what I'm doing, living life here...raising my child and having simple fun. I know that as Abbey gets older it'll be even better to see all those places, but still the reason I get anxious I think is because I feel like there's so much to see and no way to get there, or so much to see and I'm wasting away by not being there, is that wrong? Is it not enjoying what I have here? Which is partially why I'm not there, because I must learn to enjoy life everywhere, not just in those places that appeal the most to me. Anyway, I'll give time time, but I will not allow myself to fall back on this and end up a 70 something year old woman still looking at those amazing photograhs around the world thru the internet oh no...I shall be IN the pictures, smiling away. Yep.