walking towards happiness

What is it that I want? It seems to me that I might have a problem. I know it sounds funny but I think I do, I still feel jealous of something that it doesnt exist anymore, I miss something that can't be and it makes me feel so weak and lost. I expect and if my expectations aren't met, I dont know if to be happy or sad. All in all, there's only one thing I want, to be happy and not just me but I want Abbey to be safe and happy, it hurts me to think that Ry and I might split for good one day, because I know that Abbey is used to us living together etc, but I know that we both deserve to be happy, truly happy not just content. Life's too short to sit on a comfort zone and although changes hurt, I know that life is all about changes and chances and I'm not going to miss out on a good chance of being happy, I know that Ryan deserves the same. I just trust that this change will be only for the good of everyone, that time will help us get used to this new pattern and that it'll happen on the right time, so everything could fall into place. Just like it happened when I had to change jobs, I was terrified on the thought of changing daycares, changing routines, etc and then when it happened, it was done and everything worked out. I know that it was meant to be because of how smoothly things went. I am willing to wait, to try and make sure this change happens in the right time and for the right reasons, I don't want to do it for a man or because I'm lonely, I want to do it because it's my path to happiness, and I know that God has my back and will make life and the transition easy on me and my little girl. I just want her to be protected, safe and happy. I know that life is life and is crappy at times, and sometimes sheltering kids causes more harm than good but as a mom you can't blame me for trying to keep her from the bullshit that lives out there. I just pray for guidance, for patience, for peace of mind, for intuition because I will need all of these and more qualities to walk the long path ahead.

my stairway lies on the whispering wind...

The more I let things be, the less I stress about the crappy things that involves living, I realize how everything falls into place. It's true, you let go and the chips fall where they may and they fall exactly where they're supposed to be. Life makes sense, we are the ones who complicate it.
I got debt, and insecurities and wonder a lot about how everything will play out, but in the end I'm learning to just trust life, to trust god and fate and let everything flow. I'm learning to make things happen, to take the lead, to follow my instints and to believe, you gotta BELIEVE in order to give life that magic, that power to turn crappy things into forever enjoyable gold. In the end, is in the small things...that we find true wonders.