The art of letting go

What can I say that I haven't said before? I feel like I've seen myself in this spot too many times, it's like a fucked up deja vu, like time can't move forward because I keep going back. I feel so confident and sure at times and then, something happens, a little spark grows in me and I fall back again, relapse. I think is time to recover, I wish I could go away for a month and go to a monk monastery and learn to be silent, and learn to see, learn to listen and to grow out of this. I can't afford to do that and I wouldn't want to leave my little girl anyway but maybe there's some sorta therapy I could do. Maybe I could start meditating, making more art or portraits, distract myself by dancing, less booze, less bullshit. Maybe I could start reading on the art of letting go, letting go of a situation and put it aside, I need to stop dragging this, it's done. It's funny how people seem to think I won't be able to do it, to tell you the truth, I'm a little skeptical myself but a day at a time is my plan and this time, I really don't want to go back to square one again. I want to leave the situation, let it leave me. Gone.

I think it's time to get off the emotional roller coaster

It's been fun, it's been hectic, it's been wild, it's been risky...it's been an experience, but I think my body, my mind and my heart is ready to sit this one down. It's hard to get off, it was great at times, the fullest happiness but then in the end, the fun always ended and it turned to darkness, leaving me confused and dizzy. Something feels off, it's not fun anymore, it feels more like work than anything else. This time is for sure, I cried and held my heart in my hand (dramatic huh) like I did long time ago, when I had to let go and get off my first crazy roller coaster and it hurt but in the end it worked out better for all parties. I know that it's time to get off, I know that this ride is over and that it's better to do it now, before the whole thing falls apart, before I get kicked out, I rather walk out and call it a night.

Today, my shoes and eyelids seem heavier than usual.

I gotta say, I'm pretty damn proud of myself. I've taken initiative and took care of the IRS debt (for now) and also took care of my medical bills by applying to different programs and finally getting accepted, aside from that I've gotten off my ass and started walking again at nights which makes me feel so awesome. I have also gotten the hang of waking up earlier and leaving dinner ready every morning in order to have more free time and less stress when I get home and to top it off, I've dedicated some time to my hobbies and painted the other weekend with Abbey which was refreshing and I've taken some portraits as well and want to take a lot more. Yesterday was father's day and we got a chilling day, the whole weekend was full of random fun and coziness, I love Abbey every day more, every minute I learn another reason to feel blessed to have her in my life. Needless to say, so much fun equals to tired monday, but I'm happy.
Somehow things fall apart and come together again, somehow the cycle of time keeps its funny course and I've managed to follow the funky beat of the every day life. I give myself props today because I'm usually a pretty hard bitch on myself so, here's to me :)