all about her.

I might be exagerating a little bit but life is all about Abbey; I could see how moms especially young moms could still seem to care a little more about themselves than their child. It's hard to give up some things and to be selfless but I see and hear things that some moms do and it bothers me for some reason. In reality I don't really care what they do but I know that ever since Abbey Rain was born; it has been about her, not me. I still have me time and still enjoy life but my main focus is Abbey. It's this odd? I guess I feel at ease with myself and I don't feel like I'm missing out. I've had enough partying pictures, enough bar scene, enough fucking around and I'm okay with being a mom and devoted to my family right now. I know that maybe as Abbey gets older then it will change a little bit; I'll have a little more freedom as she becomes more independant but right now I'm mommy and I wouldn't change it for anything.

bringing spontaneity back

I remember when I was single, I would just pack my things and go. I wouldn't give it a second thought and I would do what felt right. I really never cared for anyone else, it was me and that's all. I just realized that I'm suffering from anxiety especially when we are out in public; I just freak out. I don't know why...I just get so worked up about watching Abbey; she's a handful and I'm used to not dealing with little things that stress me out that won't go away :) I would drop it and move on but um...now I can't do that. I have to be on the look out, have to be responsible, I have to have to have to. Ahhhhhh! Enough.
Yea, I know the endless list of things I have to be and do and I know that according to my inner voice I would never be good enough but I need to RELAX. If I keep getting so stressed out I will lose my head and then what? I know that life will never be as it used to, it's no longer about me...it's about her and letting her discover her world. I miss being spontaneous though it was one of the things I used to love being the most...maybe I could somehow incorporate it into my life now. It won't be the same but I think it worth giving it a shot, being spontaneous adds a little flavor to life. I am working on myself and defeating dark thoughts as I go on. It's never dull...never uninteresting.
Do I miss being single? No. I've asked myself that question and at times I didn't know what to actually say but after thinking and meditating about it I seriously don't miss it. I feel like I did what I did and it was great and now it's time for something else, something new and more meaningful. You can only party your ass off to a certain point before it gets depressing. I am in touch with who I am today and wouldn't change anything about it. I'm still learning, every day there's a new challenge and adventure. I never know at what time I'll wake up and what Abbey would do today to make me crack up. I'm trying to hold on to the wheel so hard that I am no longer enjoying the scenery. It's time to let go a little bit and look out the damn window.
There's SO much to see.