All on Me.

I got a gray cloud over my head, it's pouring thoughts. I'm not going to talk it out, I'm going to WRITE it out. I feel like there's no one really here. The family I got, is not really mine, it Ry's and the moment I decide to split...then they will remain Ry's and Abbey's but not really mine. I'm having a hard time trying to adjust to Ry having this social life that I am no part of what so ever. Maybe I'm over reacting but I feel like the social life he decides to be in eventually will be around Abbey and that's what freaks me out. I mean, it doesnt necessarily mean it'll be like that, I know that my social life has at times NOTHING to do with my child but I try to associate with people who bring something good and positive to me because I don't want anything to affect Abbey. Here I go again trying to shelter, to protect her from...life. What the hell am I gonna do when she's a teenager and doesnt give a fuck what I say? I need to build character, I need to start letting go and understand that she is not MY child, the universe and God gave her to me so, I can try to teach her, guide her, raise her but in the end, she's part of the universe and there's nothing I can do to hold her back from her own destiny, from her own life. I trust that God has allowed Ryan to be her dad for a reason, because he will do his best to protect her, because he will do his best to surround himself with positive influence so, that she can also have part of that positivity. Point is, it's all on me and I need to better myself and so many ways, work on my character, work on my finances, work on my brutal attitude that sometimes shoots out of me like a samurai sword because it's all on me...family will go, love might fade, happy endings arent guarantee, friends find their own life, I got Abbey, I got myself, I got the guidance of God, the strenght of the trees, the spirit of the wind, I got intuition and I got my experiences to guide me and that's truly all I really need.