love = ahhhhhhh!!!??

I don't know how I've been able to remain semi sane this weekend. Abbey was sick; she's still sick but getting better thank God. I felt so helpless as she felt bad, I wanted to see my little one happy again. I dont know how other people do it; to see their child always sick? that has to kill you inside slowly; we're very lucky that Abbey's healthy aside from her stomach virus. To top it off; they are tenting our building to fumigated so, we're living with Ry's parents until Wednesday. It really wasn't that bad; I am tired though but I think I'm more mentally tired than anything else.
Ry annoys me; he drives me to the wall. Is it supposed to be like that? Love equals annoyance? I don't know; what if we never fought or disagree? Would that be better or worse? He pushes my bottoms and I push his; but I think at the end we both know we love each other and that's that. I don't want to stop feeling black butterflies; sometimes I feel like there's so much shit to do that I don't have time to give him kisses; I need to stop that. There's always time for kisses and hugs and love. That's probably why marriages fail because life gets in the way of cherishing the love and the unity. Fuck that. I won't let it. Somehow I'll have to figure it all out...I still haven't. I still struggle to juggle it all. I still get frustruated and pissed off. I annoy myself but I guess change doesn't happen over night; it takes time. I think I'm handeling Abbey better though; it helped to read that other moms go thru the exact same thing; same reactions and tantrums...it's comforting to know that I'm not alone. It's all good; life goes on and at least we won't have more ants in the apartment when this is over.

all about her.

I might be exagerating a little bit but life is all about Abbey; I could see how moms especially young moms could still seem to care a little more about themselves than their child. It's hard to give up some things and to be selfless but I see and hear things that some moms do and it bothers me for some reason. In reality I don't really care what they do but I know that ever since Abbey Rain was born; it has been about her, not me. I still have me time and still enjoy life but my main focus is Abbey. It's this odd? I guess I feel at ease with myself and I don't feel like I'm missing out. I've had enough partying pictures, enough bar scene, enough fucking around and I'm okay with being a mom and devoted to my family right now. I know that maybe as Abbey gets older then it will change a little bit; I'll have a little more freedom as she becomes more independant but right now I'm mommy and I wouldn't change it for anything.

bringing spontaneity back

I remember when I was single, I would just pack my things and go. I wouldn't give it a second thought and I would do what felt right. I really never cared for anyone else, it was me and that's all. I just realized that I'm suffering from anxiety especially when we are out in public; I just freak out. I don't know why...I just get so worked up about watching Abbey; she's a handful and I'm used to not dealing with little things that stress me out that won't go away :) I would drop it and move on but um...now I can't do that. I have to be on the look out, have to be responsible, I have to have to have to. Ahhhhhh! Enough.
Yea, I know the endless list of things I have to be and do and I know that according to my inner voice I would never be good enough but I need to RELAX. If I keep getting so stressed out I will lose my head and then what? I know that life will never be as it used to, it's no longer about me...it's about her and letting her discover her world. I miss being spontaneous though it was one of the things I used to love being the most...maybe I could somehow incorporate it into my life now. It won't be the same but I think it worth giving it a shot, being spontaneous adds a little flavor to life. I am working on myself and defeating dark thoughts as I go on. It's never dull...never uninteresting.
Do I miss being single? No. I've asked myself that question and at times I didn't know what to actually say but after thinking and meditating about it I seriously don't miss it. I feel like I did what I did and it was great and now it's time for something else, something new and more meaningful. You can only party your ass off to a certain point before it gets depressing. I am in touch with who I am today and wouldn't change anything about it. I'm still learning, every day there's a new challenge and adventure. I never know at what time I'll wake up and what Abbey would do today to make me crack up. I'm trying to hold on to the wheel so hard that I am no longer enjoying the scenery. It's time to let go a little bit and look out the damn window.
There's SO much to see.

annoyed.

I wonder if you are tired, annoyed, bored and frustruated is that a sign you should change jobs? Or are these things part of having a job no matter what it is? I don't know. Today, I'm tired of hearing people talk and say the same things every single day. It's so repetitive and annoying, maybe I'm just not a very tolerant person which I need to work on but I honestly dislike people so much sometimes, it scares me. Unfortunately, I need this job. Especially now more than ever. I'm feeling the changes in the economy, my bank accounts started suffering the consequences of so much bullshit going around, makes me sad. I don't want to live in a world where you live to work and there's no play time or money to play with. I'm lucky in so many ways, my job is easy...I get to blog and eat shit which is always nice. I try to work as much as I can though because not having anything to do is a torture when it comes to time standing still. I do though, sometimes wish I had a cool ass job which will fulfill me to the point that I'll never be annoyed but does that job actually exist? I don't know; might as well laugh it up and deal with the fact that I still have 2 hours more until I could relax in my happy place.

music. my infinite playlist.

I wish there was always a song playing as I go about my day; yea the radio is on but I wish it was like a movie where the music changes as new things develop, a wrong choice of song could kill a great scene and it's funny how a wrong choice in life could also ruin a lot of things; music is such a powerful force. It could elevate you, it could inspire you and make things better, it's like a hallucigen drug itself. I honestly could say that without it my life will not be complete. I wish to walk along the side of music for the rest of my life; which is why I have musical notes on my foot...to represent the power and the importance of music. I can't wait for Abbey to be able to enjoy it with me although she is already beginning to understand it; she's already defining her own rhythm and following it. It's so interesting to see someone grow and learn thing after thing, it's amazing how life progresses and you go from baby, to child, to teenager, to adult. It's a big cycle that we all follow and there's no stopping it, it's like a long good song that seems to last forever and sometimes you wish it did, but then soon or later the music will resume and it'll end, just like everything else. Music is life, it's a friend that watches you grow; as you live you change styles and music witnesses as you evolve. It's one of life's gifts to you which you can use when life itself kicks your ass.

it can't be that easy, can it??

I decided to get up my ass yesterday and actually look into "writing for a living" so, I googled those exact words and start reading about tips and ideas on how to become a writer and what they all said is basically the same thing "write, write, write" Well, I do that already and been doing that so, I guess I'm off to a good start. I also read that you should start writing for a local newspaper or magazine to gain experience and perhaps make future contacts that will help you get you started in the writing business so, I decide to research on that. I found a hiring ad for a new local magazine that will premiere in 2009; it's about local events, art, politics, fashion, hispanic interests etc. So, after talking myself into it I decide to send in my pathetic little resume which has no previous writing experience. I also followed the requirements of the ad and sent in three of my writing samples which were just regular blogs of mine plus half a chapter of the book I'm working on. I attached it and wrote a little about me in the email explaining how I'm a passionate writer with a vivid imagination and how although I have no professional writing experience I have been writing for a long time. I took a leap of faith and pressed "Send"; two hours later I get an email back from the assistand editor saying that she found my resume "interesting" in a good way and she would love for me to go by and interview. ARE YOU SERIOUS??
My heart started pounding in excitement and pride; but then reality hit me. Okay, this is in Miami Beach not too close to my house; what if they want me to work there and not on my own time? What about Abbey and her daycare I love so much? Would would I wear? Etc. I decided to forget about all these things and focus on the fact that this might be my first step to "writing for a living" I mean, I don't know if they'll pay me to write since I have no experience and the magazine is not out yet, I don't know if they'll allow me to write on my own time and then email them my articles; I don't know anything. I will leave this thoughts aside and I will go in there with the best attitude and I will be honest with them about what I can and can't do and go from there. This proves that sometimes all you really have to do is get up your ass and take a leap of faith in order to get things started, I'm thankful and cannot wait.

from party girl to mom...

I will say this...I should've been reviewing my homework with some guy named Stuard instead of having so much damn fun. I don't regret it because I did what I wanted to and I went with what felt right but I have to admit that my parents were right and I hate it. Consequences never show themselves until later and in my case a lot later. My past is a blur mixed with a cloud of smoke...there's something like Led Zepellin playing in the background. There was not a thought of the future because I honestly didn't think of having one besides partying it up; that was until I got a big fat "You're Pregnant" on my home pregnancy test and I had to make a decision. My friend simply said "Let me know who to call; you can only go two ways" as simple and encouraging as that. I chose with that felt right and once again followed my heart all the way to motherhood. Within weeks I traded in my beer mug and all nighters for OBGYN appointments and prenatal vitamins. Now, a year later I am still trying to figure this all out. I'm still trying to come to terms with who I am now as well as trying to do my "job" as good as I can. I have never had so much responsability nor loved someone so much which is terrifying as well as a blessing. Having her has made me think back to my high school days and reconsidered some of the options I made. I continue to wonder and explore this new world as my little one explores hers. My life has never been so wonderful and challenging as now...I confess: It's my biggest adventure so far.